“Sneaky Husband” (serio-comic) 2 minutes

Character: MARTHA
Description: Martha tries to get her sneaky husband to tell her her nieces phone number so she can take him to the dentist.
Gender: Female
Age:  65  

Artthuuuuuuurrr!!!  God, he never hears me.  Too busy polishing his tools than pay attention to his wife!  Arrrrrtthuuuuuuurr!!!   Oh God. 

There you are, I’ve been calling you for twenty minutes Arthur.  What is wrong with you?  Do you like it when I yell on the top of my lungs for twenty minutes?!  You want me to pop a blood vessel in my neck?  Do ya???  (beat)  Well then answer me from now on and don’t give me any of that not hearing me nonsense.  Ridiculousness. 

NOW, the reason why I called you in here was because my phonebook has a giant smudge on it.  Right here in the F section.  I found it because I want to call me niece Francine and can’t make out the last two numbers.  NOW, when were you going through my book because the color of the smudge looks just like the medicine you take for your colon and I remember you telling me that you spilled it all over the table last week.  Was my phone book on the table when you spilled your colon fluids???

You don’t remember…that’s just great.  Well do you remember Francines number?  Because I don’t.  Wonderful.  Then perhaps you can throw on the glasses that you never wear and try to make out the last two numbers for me.  I’ve been struggling with it all morning and am getting no where.  I can’t rememeber her number for the life of me.

I tried to call other people that have her number but no one is answering their telephones.  Such ridiculousness.  I need the number because I have to tell her that this Tuesday is no good for my hair appointment at Dominicks.  I just can’t do it.  I do not want her coming all the way here for no reason.  I can’t make it Arthur because I have to go with YOU to the dentist for those rotted out teeth you have.  And THAT is a priority over my hair.  I can’t stand another day of that terrible breath of yours and the odor you leave all throughout the kitchen when we sit down to eat supper.  No more!  And don’t try to get out of it neither.  It’s probably why you smudged the number.  I’m on to you Arthur.  It will be a cold day in hell before you fool me sweetheart.  You are going to the dentist and that’s final.  Only way out is if you kill me and that won’t happen any time soon.  Believe you me. 

So FIND THE NUMBER!!!!