“Eating Like A Slob” (comedy) 1 minute

Character: EMILY
Description: Emily is telling her best friend what happened to her husband the other night during dinner. (He almost died)
Gender: Female
Age:  49  

Absolute animal when he eats.  I have never seen a man with such a disgusting appetite.  And I have no idea where he puts it.  I’ve seen hungry wild boar on a farm eat, after not eating for days and he has them topped by a mile!  I’m talking, GRRRR GRRAAR and GRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Unstoppable, like it’s his last meal!

Whenever we go out, it’s embarrassing.  We just went to an Italian restaurant on Mulberry Street.  His favorite restaurant, called Da Nico’s.  Nice place, garden in the back.  Great food.  Anyway, he orders almost everything on the menu but that’s not what upsets me.  It’s how he eats what’s on the menu.  I’m surprised he doesn’t eat the menu before ordering the food.  GRRRAAA GRRAAAAAR GRAAARRRR.  Like a machine.  Shoveling it in his mouth and making strange sounds in his throat as he swallows.  I’ve warned him about how fast he eats and how much of a neanderthol he is.

FINALLY, what happens?  A piece of food gets stuck in his throat.  I think it was lasagna.  He looks at me as he starts turning blue and I’m like, “SEE JACKASS, I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU!!!!!”

I had to scream for help and the waitstaff new CPR and they saved his life.  Everybody in the restaurant started applauding.  I was crying.  And he started laughing!  There’s something wrong with him but I’ll tell you this, he takes his sweet ass time when he eats food now.  No more GRAAARRR GRAARRRR GRAARRR like a lunatic.