“Hairy Bastard” (comedy) 1 minute

Character: GORGIONNE
Description:  Gorgionne is a hairy man and visits a professional hair removal expert for help.
Gender: Male
Age:  29   

Yeah, I’m a hairy bastard.  What can I say?  It comes from my ancestors.  They were all hairy bastards.  (beat)  Do I mind it?  Yeah, I do.  When I go to the beach I mind it.  I hear people calling me Gorilla behind my back because let’s face it Doc, I’m a hairy bastard.

I am more hairy than some animals on this planet.  I mean, I have hair covering my elbows, my knee caps, I have so much hair on my ass that you could braid it.  I have hair up and down my entire back.  And my hair is thick and black and it sucks.

That’s why I’m here, I want it all removed and thinned out, whatever you gotta do Doc.  I want a change, I need a change.  The only place I’m not hairy is the soles of my feet!  Honest to God.  I’m abnormal and it’s hurting my MoJo Doc.  Women love me until they see me get naked.  I’ve fallen in love numerous amounts of times, only to lose out when it comes to sex.   Usually women just look at me and flee and once in a blue moon, they will give my hairy ass a chance, only to complain that they can’t take the body heat and the dripping sweat.   I heard one woman call her girlfriend as she was leaving my block on foot, calling me a Sasquatch.  I felt like some undiscovered animal on the Discovery Channel over here, Doc, you gotta help me man.  I’m such a hairy bastard!!!  I can’t live like this Doc.  I will get on the operating table right NOW.  Make me bald, I want to be bald as a cucumber!

I need the laser thing or the zap thing or some kind of surgery thing.  Whatever it is that you guys do, please do because I’ve tried everything.  I’ve tried ordering special hair removal creams like Nair.  I’ve buzzed myself up and even shaved my hair.  What happens?  It comes back even thicker!

I can’t win Doc.  You gotta help me.  Being hairy is crippling my life.  I need the hair off my body please.  I can’t take it no more. 

CAN YOU HELP ME???