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“Crappy Pants” (comedy) 2 minutes
November 8, 2006 by The Monologue Blogger
Filed under 2 Minute Monologues, Female Monologues - Comedy, MB Library
Monologue Description: Sometimes embarrassing accidents happen at the wrong damn time!
Character Description: Elise crapped her pants on a first date with the hottest football player from Queens. She shares this upsetting story with her friend Anna.
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @JosephArnone
ELISE:
Anna, you will never believe what happened to me yesterday. Oh my God, I was on a date with Fred, YEAH, the guy I told you about. No, not that one, FRED, the football player from Queens. Mmmm Hmmm, HIM!
He finally took me out last night and I was soooo nervous. I mean, this guy is hot! I was a complete air head over the whole thing, what should I wear, how much make up should I apply to my face, should I wear a push up bra or stuff the bra? ISSUES! Anyway, we went out and the worst thing in the world happened to me. No, I didn’t run into any ex-boyfriends. No, I didn’t say something stupid. No, I didn’t do something clumsy. WORSE! WORSE! WORSE! You will never guess! Ready?!
(beat)
I shit my pants. I know, I know, I know….please, God almighty. I was there, it happened to meeeeee! I was so nervous that when he came to pick me up, I felt bloated. I was so busy getting ready all day, that I didn’t have time to eat, so all I had in me was nothing but AIR. Oh my God, I shit my draws Anna!
We were taking a nice stroll through the park and I had to let out a little bit of gas. I was holding back a fart for hours. So, I thought it would give me some relief to just, you know, let out a little pffff. But it wasn’t no pffff Anna. It was more like a sssssplishggg! And then there’s that moment. The moment when you know something doesn’t feel right and you’re not sure if it’s true. You’re not sure if you really shit yourself or not. And I’m DYINGon the inside. I kept praying to God. I was like, “Did I shart?! Did I just shart myself?!”
(beat)
I CERTAINLY DID ANNA! I sharted all inside my undies, and I was wearing the sexiest thong in the world but you know thongs, obviously, it’s not a shitting on kind of fabric. So there I am, walking with the hottest football player from Queens, clenching my butt cheeks until they were turning blue, so cocky wouldn’t drip down my leg!
Oh God Anna, this had to be the worst experience of my life…What did I do?! I started acting. I never knew I had it in me. I started freaking out. I acted like I was petrified of squirrels! I know, I know I must have sounded like a demented fool but it was the only thing I could think of. What the hell would you have said? I started dancing around him claiming to be afraid of squirrels. I made up this whole story. I told him how I was attacked by squirrels as a child, while playing in the woods and that I had a phobia.
He believed me and do you know what he did?! You will never believe this Anna! He picks me up from the ground and tells me he wanted to be my hero and that he would protect me and then we locked eyes but it wasn’t because we were in a passionate trance. We locked eyes…because we both smelt shit!
And he said, oh, you poor thing, you poor, poor thing, you made a poopy? And I just about given up on life right there at that moment in time. I said, you know what, screw it, I looked at him and said, “Listen Fred, I crapped my pants okay? I crapped my freaking pants because of the damn squirrels!”
And that was that. That was my date with the hottest football player from Queens. He did call me, but it was more of a courtesy call than a, “I want to see you again” call. I could hear his friends in the background making fart noises and moans.
What more can I possibly say? Next time I go out with a hot guy, I’m going to eat like a slob before hand. Lesson learned. Amen!
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funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Jessica, thank you so much for leaving a great comment. It puts a great big smile on my face!
All My Best,
Joseph
that was amazing me and my friends are in stiches hehe! i might use this monologue in acting today thank you! i needed funny one
charlotte
I almost woke my daughter up who was sleeping in the next room due to uncontrolable laughter. Well, I guess you could say I almost Shart my pants I laughed so hard!!
I’ve been searching for something to perform that could truly make someone laugh–thank you!!
hahahaha that is hilarious me and my friends are in acting class looking for monologues and if it wasn’t for the language i would use this it is hilarious. i don’t know what i would do if that happened to me.
This Is so funny I love it! It would be cool to Act!
i was looking for a good act… this one is great but… i think the high school theatre teacher might not like it!… lol but i sure did!
this is amazing. i would never be able to use it for any auditions, simply because i would laugh my ass off, but best of luck to those who do!
haha, cool comment!
This is the best one I have heard as yet. I printed the copy and read it at my office and laughed so much that people around me thought for a moment that I was insane!!!
Grate stuff,
Monique
oMg that was the funniest Stuff i have read in a long time
Using it tomorrow for my audition! I honestly don’t care what the director thinks about profanity- it’s freaking hilarious.
wow that was funny!!! that just got me into advanced drama thanx lol i memorized it and my teacher loved it we all have a great sense of humor
omg me and my friend read this and its friken hilarious. but slightly gross….
Just wanted to say, I used this monologue a few different times and it’s great. There is so much to work with and people love it.
Hi, thank you for your sweet comment. I am pleased that you have found the monologue in good standing.
Joseph
this monologue was hilarious to me because i had an experience like that. but in different circumstances. the most embarassing thing in my life. but no one saw anything. the only way they know is because i told them. since i know none of you i’ll tell…
so i was suffering from constipation so i took some laxatives. i took one too many.i was in p.e the next day and all of a sudden i had to go #2. so as i’m walking to the bathroom, i can feel it trying to come out and i had no control over it since it was the runs. so either i walk slowly and shit all over myself, or run fast and try to make it to the bathroom. so i ran and still shitted on myself! i couldnt believe it. anyway i recently shared that w/ my bf and we just laugh about it. so when i read him this monologue,we were just dying laughing! funny stuff. i love the things you write joseph because as you see from my example, they’re just so real. i just recently discovered this website and its great!
Hi Christine, that was a really nice comment you left. THANK YOU for such generosity. You had me cracking up laughing with your story as well. Lol! Happy you like MonologueBlogger!
Joseph
Rofl!!!Lmao!!! That was hilarious!!!!!! 2 thumbs up! hahahahahaha! Oh god, this is the best I’ve ever read! XDDDDD
THIS SCRIPT IS SOO CRAPPY I LOVE IT
HAHA JUST KIDDING I LOVED IT
Thanks so much for this hilarious monologue! I’ll be using it for a show audition at my college soon, it’ll leave the room in stitches, I’m sure!
Have fun and good luck!!!
Joseph
Hey!!
absoluntely hillarious monologur!!! laughing for ages! does anyone know who it was written by? or where it came from?
Thanks
This monologue was written by The Monologue Blogger
Who wrote this monologue?
does the monologue blogger have a name? i want to perform it for a competition and i have to have a real name in order to compete with it.
Monologue Blogger is the name Kailyn. It is the artists name who wrote the monologue you wish to use.
would i be able to use this at districts??
its AMAZING
Hi Amanda, please feel free to use the monologue as long as you do not profit from the monologue. THANKS!
i love this….this the best monologue i’ve read!!! soooooooooo funny!!! lol
Thanks Laura. MTV’s THE REAL WORLD is going to be using it for the upcoming season in January ‘09. Be on the look out and tell your friends! =)
Joseph
This was so funny. I started laughing so hard I was crying…Was wondering if this was made up or if this really happened to someone? Kudos