“Man With Gun” (serio-comic) 1 minute

Character: MAN WITH GUN
Description: A man with a gun waltzes into a local diner claiming to kill himself. 
Gender: Male
Age:  36  

You see this gun?!  You see this motherfucking gun?!  HUUH??!!  I wanna blow my fucking brains out!  I wanna blow my fucking brains out, all over this old ladies nice blouse.  I ALWAYS hated those flowery blouses.  Why do you old ladies wear that shit?!  I’m sick of it and I’m going to blow my brains all over those flowers, so you never wear that dress or any damn flowery looking dress, ever again for the remainder of your boring ass, pathetic life.

I WANT english muffins!  Without too much butter.  (points gun)  You, go make the english muffins!  I want them well done.  Nice and crispy.  I want the butter to go down my throat with ease. 

YOU, (points gun to another worker) ring me up a bill for the english fucking muffins.  I’m going to pay, I’m not some crook.  I’m just a man who is sick of his life.  HAHAHA.  I’m sick!  Sick of my life!

Who can help me?  Who can help me in this Godforsaken diner on helm street?  (beat)  You see?  No one cares!  Nobody cares that I’m going to blow my brains all over this womans flowery dress.  (beat)  What?  It’s not flowers.  Then what the fuck is it?  (beat) Dolphins?!  You are wearing a dress full of dolphins?!  That’s even MORE pathetic than FLOWERS!!!  Now I really want to blow my fucking brains out all over your dolphin dress.  (imitating her)  “Oh Harold, look at me, look, I have a fucking dolphin dress on.  Oh look, they’re all friends.”  LOSER!  I should just shoot each dolphin instead until I find flipper! 

Noooo ooonne caaaaaaressss! Do YOU care? 

How much for the muffins?  (gives lady money)

(man runs out of the diner with bag of muffins)