“Eat The Muffins” (serio-comic) 1 minute

Character: MARY
Description:  Mary complains to her next-door neighbor about his ferocious dog Dino.
Gender: Female
Age:  76   

Hey Walter, Walter, Walt…when are you gonna fix that dog?  You know what I mean, don’t play dumb Walter–she’s no good.  I never heard of a dog that barks in her sleep!  You better do away with her.  What?  You’re damn right I’m still upset about the blueberry muffins.  That’s not something you just simply walk away from.  Oh no.  Oh no.  Oh no, no, no, no, no mister.

That was traumatizing to my little Suzie.  My daughter baked those muffins and your dog swallowed them whole.  Don’t even think about blaming my little Suzie.  That dinosaur dog scared the bejesus out of my child, which caused her to drop the muffins and flee for her life.  The dog almost ate Suzie too!

And I know the dog did it out of spite, just to piss me off.  (to the dog) Well, I hope you’re happy, you big dinosaur.  I was on to you from the start.  Don’t you growl at me!!  Tough tardies!!!

Now get rid of it or I will have it removed by other methods.  I’ll have you know I am pretty darn good with a rifle.  My grandaddy taught me and in a state of emergency I might be so inclined as to bust a cap in that doggie’s buttocks.

Are you with me?  We’re here, we are here!  GOOD!  Get rid of Dino!!!!