“Bowl Of Cherries” (serio-comic) 1 minute

Monologue Description:  “Bowl of Cherries” is about a man who hates being on the phone for a long time.

Character Description:  Rex is telling his friend Sandy about his experience with a guy he couldn’t get off the phone.  Rex’s girlfriend Becca asked him to answer the phone while she was finishing up drying her hair.  Rex had no idea that he would be kept on the phone for an hour of torture by some friend of Becca’s who invented a philosophy.

In this monologue Rex talks to his close friend Sandy about what happened.

REX:

You ever speak to someone on the phone who won’t ever shut the hell up?!  Wow!  I was talking to this guy the other day on the phone, Holy Shit, he wouldn’t shut the hell up.  I couldn’t get a word in.  It was like I was being held hostage on my own freaking phone!  The strangest experience.  What makes it even worse is the fact that what the guy was talking about, I DIDN’T GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT.  I could have cared less about whatever it was he was telling me.

The guy is talking about gratitude and how it’s important to have gratitude.  Gratitude this and gratitude that and wha wha wha!  I paced back and forth in my home for about an hour, listening to this guy until my ears began spitting out blood.  My head was pounding and my eyes were hurting and all I wanted to do was just tell this guy to take his gratitude and stick it up his ass!!!

But I was being courteous as most of us HUMANS do when we are caught between a rock and a hard place.  It was my girlfriends friend, so I had to be nice.  We like to act like we care when we really are just boiling up inside with our own selfishness and ridicule.  Being courteous does nothing but waste valuable time.   The first few minutes were interesting but then the guy completely embellishes on his philosophy of gratitude and the science of gratitude and then he starts comparing me to a bowl of fucking cherries and if I was a cherry, which cherry would I be.  I didn’t even know what in God’s name this guy was talking about. 

While I was trying to listen I kept imagining myself taking the bowl that was holding the cherries and smashing him over his head.  Now, that may seem a bit violent to you but let me tell you this, if you were on the other end of that line, listening to this guy with his phony accent, you too would desire to crack him over the head with a giant dish.

And that my dear Sandy, would have given me great GRATITUDE!