“Play It Safe” (serio-comic) 1-2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Play It Safe” is about a job interview gone wrong.

Character Description:  Rick talks to his buddy about why he didn’t get the job he went out for.

RICK:  

I didn’t get the job because I didn’t tell him he had a booger in his nose.   (sighs)  I have no luck man.  For every good thing that happens to me, two bad things happen also.  I can’t get ahead. 

What happened??

I’m all excited about this job interview man.  I get all slicked up in my best suit, well, my only suit actually but it’s a good one.  So, I get all decked out and drive into the city.  I spend four million dollars to park my car and I go up for the interview.

The manager of the firm is the guy who will interview me.  Everything is going good.  I’m sitting down, waiting in the lounge type area for my name to get called.  Exchanging sexy looks with the secretary.  Then the manager comes out and my name is called.  Okay, here we go.

I shake hands with the manager but as soon as I meet eyes with him I see that he has a giant booger dangling from his nostril.  (sighs)  We go into his office and the whole walk there, I am praying that the snot falls off, so I don’t have to stare at it during the interview.

What happens???

We both sit down.  And there it is, the mischievous booger, looking right at me.  I couldn’t concentrate on anything man but that damn gooey thing.  I made an attempt at telling him but he already started talking and I felt it was too late.  I decided to keep quiet about it, play it safe.  Bad choice.

It was like all I could see was this booger.  Swinging back and forth, ever so gently, ever so slightly, between each breath he took.  I was magnetised by it.  I didn’t know if it would land on my resume, on his desk, maybe go airborne and land somewhere on the floor.  I actually wanted to know.  I found myself waiting to find out.

I think the interview went good but then the guy scratches his nose and he realizes that he had a little friend on his finger.  He looked at me in disgust, like it was MY FAULT he had a specimen on his nose.  He told me I should have told him and that since I didn’t, I wouldn’t get the job…

“Down On One Knee” (serio-comic) 1-2 minutes

Monologue Description: “Down On One Knee” is about a man who found his girlfriend sleeping with another woman, before he was about to propose to her.

Character Description:  Enzo is in shock over discovering that his girlfriend has been cheating on him with a woman.  He drove to his best friends house to discuss this embarrassing state of affairs and seek out advice from not only his best friend, but his best friends wife as well.

ENZO:    

I had the ring in my pocket.  I came home.  I was overcome with excitement, feeling like this was going to be the greatest day of my life.  I saved every last penny for months and months, to buy the perfect engagement ring.  I feel like such an idiot.  To top it off, I had my cousin stay on my cellphone with me.  I put the phone in my pocket because I wanted him to hear this amazing moment.

Now, I am spontaneous, I didn’t want to wait and make special plans and all that…I wanted to take my girl completely off guard.  So, she was home and I was supposed to be at work but I took off from work so I could, you know, propose to her.

I get upstairs and I call her name.  She comes running over to me from the bedroom, all frazzled looking.  I didn’t think anything of it, she always looks frazzled.  It’s just her look.  Some people look mad all the time, others look happy, she always looks frazzled. 

So anyway, I get down on one knee, my heart was pounding, I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get the words out.  And finally, as they say, I popped the question.  But then I noticed a sudden movement behind my girlfriends legs, while I was down on one knee.  At first I couldn’t make it out at first but the image started walking towards me. 

It turns out that it was another woman…NAKED…in my robe no less.  She walks right over completely casual and I couldn’t get up from my one knee.  I was frozen stiff cause I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Next thing, my girl says, “Enzo, this is Samantha.”  I say hello Samantha, what are you doing in my robe?  And Samantha says, that she likes the way it feels.  My girlfriend looks at me and says that she has been having an affair for the past year with another woman.

(beat)

What did I do?  I collapsed.  I sat on the floor like a five year old boy in boyscout class, staring up at two woman, who had complete power over me. 

I was devastated and wanted to die.  I did.  So, I passed out.  When I woke up, I was still on the floor, with a pillow under my head.  Both women were still in their robes, well, my robe and believe it or not I wasn’t that mad.  I mean,  don’t get me wrong, I was beside myself but the initial shock, I think, numbed my brain. 

I got up and didn’t say a word.  I just left the house and came here.  I have no clue as to what I should do.  This shit is unheard of.  What would you do if you were in my shoes???

“Underwear Ashes” (serio-comic) 1-2 minutes

Monologue Description: “Underwear Ashes” is about a couple breaking up because of past sexual relationships.

Character Description:  Donna complains to her friend Becca about why her boyfriend Charlie broke up with her.

DONNA:   

Why is it that when a woman sleeps around, she’s considered a whore and when a man sleeps around, he’s considered a stud?  That’s such crap.  Women want to have fun too. 

I cannot believe my boyfriend broke up with me because I told him I had sex with ten guys.  It’s not like that is an outrageous number.  Especially in today’s world.  Things are different nowadays.  It’s not like I slept with ten men at once.  This was over the course of the last twelve years.  So, I’m like the virgin freaking mary compared to most woman my age.

How many men have you slept with Gena? 

(beat)

THAT MANY?!  Holy shit, if I slept with that many, I think Charlie would have passed out.  That bastard.  He wouldn’t tell me how many women he slept with.  God only knows.  Please, he probably slept with like thirty different women.  I hate him for what he did.  I thought we had something good together.  I should have lied.  I should have told him two guys.  But then again, if he can’t accept me for who I am, than he can kiss my ass.  He doesn’t deserve me.

(her cellphone rings)

Oh My God!  It’s him, it’s Charlie!  Shhhh Shhhh Shhhh!!!!!

(answers her cellphone)

Hello? 

(beat)

What? 

(beat)

Your Calvin Klein underwear???  WAIT.  You are calling me because you have a handful of YOUR Calvin Klein underwear at my place?  YOU are the biggest loser I ever met Charlie!  I am going to BURN all of your underwear.  You can come by to pick up the ashes OR you can go and buy yourself some new underwear.  You cheap bastard.  Half of them have holes in them anyway.  And just so you know, I BOUGHT you ten brand new pairs of Calvin Klein underwear for your upcoming birthday and I’m burning those ALSO!

(she hangs up her cellphone)

The nerve!  That bastard.  He makes me feel like dirt.  I’ll give him his freaking underwear.  His holy underwear, more important than me?!  That bastard.

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