“Little Woody” (comedy) 2 minutes

Monologue Description:  “Little Woody” is about a woman who had bad sex.

Character Description:  Tara is upset about a sexual one night stand she had with a guy she knew from her local gym.  She calls her best friend Sharon to tell her about the experience.

TARA:    

Sharon, listen, we need to talk…do you have a minute?  Okay, you will NEVER believe what happened to me.  Look, remember that guy at the gym I told you about a couple of weeks ago?  The guy with all the muscles.  The fireman guy!  YES!!!  HIM!!! 

Listen to me, we did it….YES, he stayed over last night…Oh God, what a mistake!  Sharon, you have no idea what I went through.  Oh God, I will give you the PG version because you are at work but when you get home later, CALL ME, so I can give you the Rated R version.

We ended up going out to this high profile type lounge place in the city.  I was completely letting my hair down and wanted to have a good time.  Look, he’s hot, I’m horny, so I drank like a fish.  I know, I know, I know, I never had a one night stand in my life but I felt like I knew him so I said, WHY NOT?  I needed some ass, okay?!

We end up going back to my place.  As soon as we walked in my apartment, BOOM BAM and BING!!!  We were going at it like two lions that haven’t eaten in months.  Just inhaling eachother like it was our last meal.  We ended up on the futon in my living room and that’s when it happened.  Sharon, Sharon honey, that’s when the shock of my life came. 

The guy pulled down his underwear and what pops out is a penis the size of your thumb!  So I stared at it for a second or two trying to figure out what went wrong.  I mean, here’s this guy, this giant muscle bound freak, this hero of men, this gorgeous sexy body and he’s got the ittiest, bittiest, little woody I’ve ever layed my eyes on.  Not that I’ve seen thousands but you could imagine my dismay!

Sharon, listen, sharon, it’s funny right?  Go ahead and laugh.  HA HA, I’m the idiot.  What did I do?  Well, I tried it out, I mean, I wasn’t going to say, ” Listen pal, you got a little woody and I don’t do little woody’s.”  I couldn’t do that to the guy.  Poor fella.

….So we had sex…I should say HE had sex.  He was grunting, and pulling and feeling and groping and it was like I wasn’t even there.  I was thinking about my to do list for the following day.  I kept thinking, I can’t wait to call Sharon and tell her about this one. 

After a measly fifteen minutes, this guy finally let out his you know, his, ummmm, what do you call it, final call of duty.  He made it sound like he was king freaking kong when he went. 

 (imitating the guy)  EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKBBBBBB,   EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKBBBBBB,  EEEEEEKKKKBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was waiting for him to pound his chest and start eating a banana.  But instead he passed right out as soon as his head hit the pillow.  I just couldn’t believe it.  I tapped him a few times, then smacked him in the face even and he started snoring… 

What a disappointment Sharon.  Never again, I will never have a one night stand ever again.  Just never, never again.  Uggggh!