“Protein” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Protein” is about a guy who caught his cousin picking his nose and eating it.

Character Description:  Martin talks to his girlfriend about how he caught his cousin picking his nose and eating it.

MARTIN:   

I haven’t seen my cousin in like ten years.  So you can imagine how excited we both were to see one another.  We’ve always been tight.  Like brothers, well, we are brothers.  Anyway, we met in Vegas for a wedding.  We were chilling out with friends and family throughout the entire day. 

We were all planning to go out clubbing and I wanted to take a nap.  I call them, power naps before we all went out, so I felt good.  My cousin decided he was going to do the same thing.

So check it out.  I’m chilling out, laying down on my bed, and he was chilling out and resting on his bed.  We were both bullshitting about everything under the son but then the weirdest shit happens. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I could have sworn that I saw my cousin pick his nose and eat what was on his finger.  At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, right?  Figuring, no way, my cousin doesn’t do that shit, only nasty people do that.  But then, about a moment later, I catch the same action happening.  So, I slooooooowly begin to turn my head, ever so gently, in my cousins direction.  Real slow, in case my worst fear turned out to be true cause I wasn’t sure if I should say something or not, plus, I wanted to catch him in the act…So, I turn reeeeeal slow and I watch my cousin, pull out this booger, stare at it for a second and then just pop it in his mouth like it was a stick of gum.

The horror.  I thought I was about to pass out from disgust.  I asked him, “did you just pick your nose and eat it cuz?”  And he froze, took a few seconds and said, “yeah man, I do it all the time.”

He said it like it was an everyday thing, like everybody does this, like it was completely normal.  I stood up from the bed and stared at him to see if he was serious.  HE WAS!  I was shocked.  I couldn’t believe my cousin did this.  I found this so repulsive and oh God, just thinking about it now makes me sick.

So we debated about this for like an hour.  I told him how nasty this was and that he needed to stop doing it and he kept telling me that it was completely fine and get this…he tells me that it’s PROTEIN.  I told him the nose was designed to collect crap from entering your body, WHAT PROTEIN?

Anyway, I told him that if he’s going to pick his nose and eat it, he has to do it on his own damn time.  I told him to never do that shit in front of me ever again.  He agreed to that.