“Butt Lotion” (serio-comedy) 1-2-3 Minutes

Monologue Description:  “Butt Lotion” is about a guy who has a sweat pimple on his butt and pays a higher price because of it.

Character Description:  Reagon talks to his friend, who is also a Doctor about a sweat pimple on his buttock.

REAGON: 

Hi Doc, here’s what happened.  I woke up yesterday morning with this huge sweat pimple on my ass.  I noticed it in the shower.  The worst.  The whole day, whenever I sat down, I had to rest my body on one butt cheek.  I mean, come on, why do I have to suffer like that?  To top it all off, I work in a damn cubicle all day, making happy calls about CRAP nobody cares two cents about.  How can I be happy, if I am miserable Doc?

So, the whole day I am resting on my left butt cheek because the stinging sensation was too much to handle.  I must have gone into the bathroom like three or four times, trying to pop the damn thing but it only made it worse and it swelled up like triple the size.

What was I supposed to do??  And then Mark, this asshole co-worker of mine.  I can’t stand this guy.  This is one of those guys who looks like a weasel, who enjoys starting trouble all the time.  He comes over to my desk and asks me why I was sitting on my side all day.  I told him I had a zit on my ass, which was the worst thing I could have done.  Stupid.  He leaves and moments later, Linda, the hottest woman on my floor puts a bottle of cream on my desk.  I was like, “What’s this?”  She said, “It’s for your ass, Mark told me.”

I wanted to cry.  It felt like my face was about to fall off.  I said thanks and then Sharon comes in the room and she asks me if I was okay.  And then Heather comes in the room and gives me a different kind of cream lotion type thingy.  So now I have three gorgeous women talking about a sweat pimple on my ass!!!

…I tried the cream, I actually used them all at once, thinking one of them has to work.  What happens?  I wake up the next morning and my right butt cheek is GREEN!  I tried washing it off but it freaking wouldn’t come off!  It colored my skin and was even bigger now.  I started bugging out.  And get this, now when I walk, I walk with a limp because the pain is unbearable.

Please Doc, save my ass.