“Name Brand Tampon” (serio-comedy) 1-2-3 Minutes

April 26, 2007 by The Monologue Blogger

Filed under 1 Minute Monologues, 2 Minute Monologues, 3 Minute Monologues, MB Library, Male Monologues - Comedy, Male Monologues - Drama, Male Monologues - Serio/Comic

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Monologue Description: “Name Brand Tampon” is about a controlling relationship.

Character Description: Justin tells his soon to be wife that he cant take her bossing him around like a child anylonger.

JUSTIN:

What do you want me to say? Huh? What? You want me to agree with you? I’m not doing it Vita. I’m tired of this shit you call happiness. You’re only happy when it’s according to your standards, when it’s according to your needs, your demands, your rules. I’m done. I’m done agreeing with you all the time. I mean really, really, I must be the biggest schmuck walking.

Hey everybody, look at me, I’m a big fucking asshole…Sometimes I want to go to the top of a mountain or the top of a building and just shout it outload. LOOK EVERYBODY, MY NAMES JUSTIN AND I”M A BIG FUCKING ASSHOLE. I must be because I certainly feel like one. What’s that saying? You are what you eat. I’ve been eating your shit for far too long. From now on it’s my way or no way. That’s right Vita. Miss macho man. Walking around like you’re the coach and I’m the football player that needs to follow the plays you draw up. I’m not agreeing with you and I’m not being bossed around no more.

If you can’t handle that and you want a man who is not a man, a man who will take your abuse and be a yes mam, than find somebody else. I’ve tolerated enough. You want a sissy man, than go Greenwhich Village and find one. I’m done. I’m done.

(beat)

What? Did I do what?

(beat)

No, I didn’t have time to go to Home Depot. What? Yeah, I told you I’m gonna get the shower curtain but I couldn’t go because you needed me to deposit money at the bank. Huh? Stop where?

(beat)

You can’t go to the store and buy the tampon yourself? When did you get sick? You know, if I had a thing that bled once a month, I’d always make sure I had the stuff to soak it up. I can’t believe you. You see what I mean? You see? I’m your Goddamn errand boy. Little bobby going to the store for mommy like a big boy. It’s bullshit. This is bullshit.It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have to go down the aisle where there’s other women, most likely and then I have to find your NAME BRAND TAMPON and that takes an eternity because most likely I won’t be able to find YOUR brand. And then I gotta ask someone in the store to help me. I don’t want to ask a worker because it’s embarrassing and I don’t want to ask some random woman because it’s even more embarrassing. So, I’ll be staring at the tampon rack for what will feel like the second coming of Jesus, feeling like a jerkwad. Hello, you get my point??? This is the ruthless shit I’m talking about. It’s deliberation. Like from that Tennessee Williams play, in the movie version when Vivien Leigh says, “Deliberate cruelty is unforgivable”. Its unforgivable Vita. You cannot keep doing this to me!!!