“Mankind” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Mankind” is about stoner’s theory.

Character Description: Bud philosophizes while he is stoned out of hs gull. He chats with his close college friend.

BUD:

I’m crippled. I’m plain. I’m feeling morbidly inspired.

(tokes from a joint)

What the fuck am I? Who the fuck are you? Really. Who are you? Who are we? What the hell are we doing here? Think about it. Doesn’t that bother you? Don’t you ever stop to wonder, WHY??? Why?! What?! How?!! All those classic questions that both religion and science have been desperately trying to answer or claiming to have answered. HaHa. They argue back and forth about it too. Like anybody truly knows. Even if it was evolution, whose to say we didn’t exist millions of years prior?

(beat)

What if we were humans, than monkey and then humans again? What if we got wiped out like the dinosaurs did and it took us millions of years for nature to take its course and WAP, here we are again…Am I making sense man or am I a dumbass? Sometimes I become Einstein off this shit and other times I have the brain of a babbling jackass. Not sure what I am now. But i’m not that smart… (takes a puff off his joint)

You know what? I think we are the fucking aliens man…I think we are the aliens. I think through millions more years of evolution we evolve into real skinny ass bodies, with big bald heads and large black eyes and maybe we even change color due to climate or whatever…I’m not a scientist you know. I think our assholes are gonna shrink too man. Yeah. Assholes will shrink unless, wait, what if you’re gay? Dude, I never thought of that before..GAY ALIENS?! Holy shit. No wait! Wait Wait Wait Wait fucking wait! That’s not true cause of telepathy maaaaan. By the time we transform that much, we’re gonna be having sex through telepathy and shit. So we don’t gotta worry about being gay. Not that I’m gay. You know what I’m saying right? Right?? But I’m not gay…

(puffing his joint)

YEEAAAAHHHH!!! Picture seeing a nice hot alien chick on the street and you suddenly give her a little love tap from your brain waves. HAHAHAHA That’s sick!! But wait, no, then again, they might lock you up for that shit too man. Yeah, that’s probably breaking the law yo. But it would be cool though. HAHA! But I’m not a law maker…

(takes a long toke form his joint)

You wanna hit this? Oh, HAHAHAHA, I didn’t even see that you had your own man. Good, good, that’s good. More for me! HAHAHAHA. Damn, you rolled a huuuuuge joint bro. Yo, if I finish mine first can I have a few puffs off of yours? Thanks man, thats why you’re my nigga. Yeah, you’re my nigga.

I wonder how old Earth is? That might tell us something.

(finishes his joint)

You mind passing that over bro???

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“Indirect Insults” (drama) 1-2-3 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Indirect Insults” is about sticking up for your loved ones.

Character Description: Vincenzo tells off a family friend who indirectly insults his parents.

VINCENZO:

I see that smile, that grin, that asinine smirk curving at the corners of your mouth. You want to know what I want to do to your face? I want to take my fist and crush your Goddamn jaw. That’s what I’d like to do. Who the fuck do you think you are coming at me like you’re coming? You think you’re too good for me? You think you’re shit don’t stink? Let me tell you something, if it wasn’t for the respect of other people, I would break your shit wide open. You should already know that about me by the look in my eye. But then again, that’s why your standing there, looking like the big fat fucking whale that you are. You slob! You fucking slimeball! Go ahead, do something. Do something!!

You know, you don’t have the balls to confront me like a man. Instead you want to pussyfoot around the situation and give me indirect insults like I’m not smart enough to know what you’re talking about. WELL I AM! I know damn well what you are saying behind those sentences. Those slick, real low, real sneaky sentences. You’re not that bright asshole. You were never that bright.

You think I don’t got it? I got it. I got more than you can ever imagine in that pea sized brain of yours. A fucking cockroach has more sensibility than you! You’re a waste of sperm. You should have been a blow job, you freaking waste of a hump. Look at yourself. Go ahead and insult me like a man. Do it!

Don’t for one second EVER think that my parents were not there for me. My parents are amazing parents. They are the greatest parents ever. If it wasn’t for my parents I would have been caught up in the streets like a gangster, like my other relatives, dead or in jail. Yeah, I SAID IT! Don’t you ever pass judgment on my mother or my father because I will slice your fucking throat wide open and pour the blood from your neck on your own children. You cocksucker!!! Think about that next time you pass judgement on what you have no clue about.(Vincenzo storms off)

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“Bang The Drum Softly” (serio-comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Bang The Drum Softly” is about a young man dealing with an annoying neighbor.

Character Description: Raul talks to his good friend Larry about how his neighbor complains every time he wants to practice playing his drum kit.

RAUL:

What am I gonna do? I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna play my drums harder, LOUDER, faster…until I make that son of a bitch complain again and then I could give him a kick in his ass!

(beat)

…Ahhh, most likely I won’t be kicking anybody in the ass but I’d like to. That old bastard gets me crazy. The drums aren’t that loud, okay? And we already agreed that I would play in the day between the hours of Noon and two o’clock. So why does this guy gotta come over here and bust my balls about playing my drums. Unless he’s senile. Maybe he’s a little off. I don’t know, whatever, I don’t care. Unless he wants to pay for my studio time, cause I ain’t got the money for that. Then I’ll go, then I’ll go to the studio. I tried putting up as much sound proofing I can. I know it’s ghetto but at least I made the effort. I put a bunch of egg cartons on my wall. I thumb tacked ‘em all. This way it would be less sound. And I tested it out. I had my mother hit my drums when I shouted outside, at the side of the house and I could barely hear the drums. It was like five times better.

And this guy wants to come over here and break my balls…

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