“Stonely” (comedy) 2-3 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Stonely” is about a man who argues with his penis.

Character Description: In this monologue, Gus is having a difficult time urinating.  He is extremely drunk and stoned. 

(puffs from his joint)

GUS:

Yo man, I keep feeling roaches going in and out of my toes…like between them man. Shits fucked.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

(pause)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

(pause)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahaha haha ha (beat)I don’t even know why the fuck I’m laughing man.(clears his throat, A FEW TIMES before “getting it”)Jack…yo JACK! Aw man…I gotta piss…I gotta piss right now. No later, now, now, now.Haha

(The man tries to pee on the side of a wall)

(The man keeps blinking wide and then squints)

I cannn’t do it. I cannn’t do it. Yo, JACK! JACK! JACK! I can’t piss man!!! I can’t…nothings isss coming out.  Hey, where you going?  Huh?  Alright, alright, I’ll hurry.  I’ll meet you at the platform….ok.

(begins talking to his penis)

Hey, hey you, hey…I’m talking to you big guy. Yeah, YOU. Listen, we got a problem, the train is gonna come soon and me and Jack are gonna go home but, but, but…YOU, YOU aren’t allowing that to happen.

Hahahaha. I’m talking to–WHAT? What did you just say–Are you laughing at m–

(getting volatile)

Listen! I’m the boss, not you!!! Now, I want you to piss cause if you don’t piss I’m gonna, I’m gonna beat the piss outta ya! I’m gonna slam you into the wall. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me, SLAM YOU INTO THE WALL! So don’t test me prick!

Now piss and we can go home and rest nice and comfortably in the bed, all nice and snuggly and bubbly wubbly. Okay? Are we together on this one champ? Yeah? Thatta boy, thatta boy, now that your relaxed, you can just do it…you can pee now, go ahead, go ahead and pee.

(beat)

Go ahead, go ahead and just pee…pee…PEE, (sighs) PEE! Will you just fucking pee already. Just piss, just piss that’s all. Is that so hard to do? Is it? That’s it, that is fucking it. Now I warned you and now you’re fucked.

GONNA SLAM YOU IN THE WALL. Hey, no, I don’t care what you say now tough guy, your going down now. You ready? You ready?? This hurts me MORE than it hurts you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The man runs full force and rams himself into the edge of a wall and falls to the ground)

You son of a bitch bastard basteeeerd basteeerrdddd rrrrrrd rrrrrrrrd rrrrrrrrrrrr fu few rrrrrrrrrrrr wuuuuuuuuuuu

(slowly recovers from the pain he caused himself)

Okay, I bet your ready to piss now hotshot. You see what you caused? Drama? AND I AM NOT DRAMA!!!!!! Damnit! Now you little runt, you itty bitty, Mr. Little Winky Dinky, PISS. You PISS or I’m gonna cut your fucking throat.

(The man pulls out a knife)

(He puts the knife to his penis)

Whatcha gonna do now Mr. Steel. Huh? Whatcha gonna doooooooooo?

Now, you whizz or I cut red.

Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz!

Damn you, you demon!!! I can’t cut my own dick off…you win, you win, you win, you win….let’s go, we’ll try to piss in the train!

Are you happy?!

You make me feel stonely sometimes man, you really do. Thoughts we were pals.

Jack!  JACK!  Hey JAAAAAAACK!!!!

(for those of you out there that never heard of stonely…it’s the words stoned and lonely combined, therefore you get, STONELY)

“Curvy Nails” (serio-comic) 2 Minutes

• Q:What is a skits’O Monologue?
• A: A skits’O Monologue is TWO Characters, ONE Actor

Monologue Description: “Curvy Nails” is about the difference of opinion regarding customer service.

Character 1: Maxi is a woman in her early thirties who is dedicated to looking pristine.
Character 2: Linda is the owner of the nail salon. She is in her mid-forties.

Both women talk to a mutual friend on their own time.

MAXI:

She needs to get her head examined. Did you see what she did to my nails? Did you even look? Look at it! Not only is the nail polish blemished. i don’t even know if that is a word but whatever, my nails are blemished! And they are all crooked from the file job she gave me.

You can’t go and fix that. They have to grow out again and take their natural shape. I am never going to that nail salon again. Linda is a complete asshole and she should go out of business for the terrible job she does and for how she treats her customers. I complained to her in a very nice manner and she suddenly explodes on me calling me a perfectionist.

What kind of nonsense is that? I should sue her just on merit.

(Actor switches character)

LINDA:

That is such a crock of shit. She has nothing better to do with her time. She comes into my store like three times a week and she always gets the best treatment. We pamper her! We give her the works, for months! This is the thanks I get. Nice. I’ve gone out of my way for this woman. So I batched up one nail job..SUE ME! It happens. I don’t have perfect written across my freakin’ forehead.

I did everything I could to keep her calm. I offered her the next two visitations to my salon, FREE. What more does she want? It’s like the nicer I was, the more she heaved and moaned. Finally I blew up at her and told her to get out of my store and don’t ever come back. She made me crazy that one.

“Why Is She Spreading Rumors?” (drama) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Why Is She Spreading Rumors” is about High School torment.

Character Description: Jessica complains to her friend Alex about the rumors that have been spreading around school about her.

JESSICA:

Why is she spreading rumors about me? Who the hell does she think she is? I can’t believe Jacob came up to me today and asked me if it was true? I almost started crying! I told him of course it wasn’t true and that Sally was a liar!

First I heard that she told everyone that I liked girls. She said that she caught me and another girl making out in the girls locker room. That she told everybody that I liked the biggest geek in school! Than she told everybody that I was having sex with one of our teachers, Mr. KUAM! Is she crazy?

This is why bad things happen in school nowadays. I’m going to tell our principle, Mr. Furley and get her into trouble.

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