“Stonely” (comedy) 2-3 Minutes

July 30, 2007 by The Monologue Blogger

Filed under 2 Minute Monologues, 3 Minute Monologues, MB Library, Male Monologues - Comedy

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Monologue Description: “Stonely” is about a man who argues with his penis.

Character Description: In this monologue, Gus is having a difficult time urinating. He is extremely drunk and stoned.

(puffs from his joint)

GUS:

Yo man, I keep feeling roaches going in and out of my toes…like between them man. Shits fucked.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

(pause)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

(pause)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahaha haha ha (beat)I don’t even know why the fuck I’m laughing man.(clears his throat, A FEW TIMES before “getting it”)Jack…yo JACK! Aw man…I gotta piss…I gotta piss right now. No later, now, now, now.Haha

(The man tries to pee on the side of a wall)

(The man keeps blinking wide and then squints)

I cannn’t do it. I cannn’t do it. Yo, JACK! JACK! JACK! I can’t piss man!!! I can’t…nothings isss coming out. Hey, where you going? Huh? Alright, alright, I’ll hurry. I’ll meet you at the platform….ok.

(begins talking to his penis)

Hey, hey you, hey…I’m talking to you big guy. Yeah, YOU. Listen, we got a problem, the train is gonna come soon and me and Jack are gonna go home but, but, but…YOU, YOU aren’t allowing that to happen.

Hahahaha. I’m talking to–WHAT? What did you just say–Are you laughing at m–

(getting volatile)

Listen! I’m the boss, not you!!! Now, I want you to piss cause if you don’t piss I’m gonna, I’m gonna beat the piss outta ya! I’m gonna slam you into the wall. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me, SLAM YOU INTO THE WALL! So don’t test me prick!

Now piss and we can go home and rest nice and comfortably in the bed, all nice and snuggly and bubbly wubbly. Okay? Are we together on this one champ? Yeah? Thatta boy, thatta boy, now that your relaxed, you can just do it…you can pee now, go ahead, go ahead and pee.

(beat)

Go ahead, go ahead and just pee…pee…PEE, (sighs) PEE! Will you just fucking pee already. Just piss, just piss that’s all. Is that so hard to do? Is it? That’s it, that is fucking it. Now I warned you and now you’re fucked.

GONNA SLAM YOU IN THE WALL. Hey, no, I don’t care what you say now tough guy, your going down now. You ready? You ready?? This hurts me MORE than it hurts you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The man runs full force and rams himself into the edge of a wall and falls to the ground)

You son of a bitch bastard basteeeerd basteeerrdddd rrrrrrd rrrrrrrrd rrrrrrrrrrrr fu few rrrrrrrrrrrr wuuuuuuuuuuu

(slowly recovers from the pain he caused himself)

Okay, I bet your ready to piss now hotshot. You see what you caused? Drama? AND I AM NOT DRAMA!!!!!! Damnit! Now you little runt, you itty bitty, Mr. Little Winky Dinky, PISS. You PISS or I’m gonna cut your fucking throat.

(The man pulls out a knife)

(He puts the knife to his penis)

Whatcha gonna do now Mr. Steel. Huh? Whatcha gonna doooooooooo?

Now, you whizz or I cut red.

Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Whizz!

Damn you, you demon!!! I can’t cut my own dick off…you win, you win, you win, you win….let’s go, we’ll try to piss in the train!

Are you happy?!

You make me feel stonely sometimes man, you really do. Thoughts we were pals.

Jack! JACK! Hey JAAAAAAACK!!!!

(for those of you out there that never heard of stonely…it’s the words stoned and lonely combined, therefore you get, STONELY)