“Serious Breath” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Serious Breath” is about just that, someone who has bad bad bad breath.

Character Description: In this monologue, James talks to his friend Freddy about his horrible experience on a date with a girl who had terrible breath.

JAMES:

Yo Freddy, what’s up man?  How did it go?  It could have went better man.  Seriously.  It was just…aw man!  The girl had shit breath dude!!  Okay, I’m not happy about it.  A beautiful girl like that and she has to have gorilla ass breath.

What happened?  I’ll tell you what happened?  It’s not funny, stop laughing.  I noticed it as soon as she got in my car man.  She turned to me and was like, (imitates girl) “WHERE ARE WE GOING?!”  And I got hit with it.  Seriously man.  Seriously, I thought I was gonna fucking die right then and there bro. 

It was like someone took a hammer and cracked me in the fac–NO!  It was more like elephant shit was shoved down my throat because her breath went in my mouth.  Okay?  Okay?!  How about that for starters?

I ACTUALLY COUGHED.

I pretended that I just needed something to drink.  I said that so we could stop off at 711 and get the bitch some gum, mints or sweet smelling candy, OR SOMETHING!  Damn!

We are in 711 and the whole time I’m like trying to keep my distance from her right?  Right?  And the girl keeps getting closer and closer.  Talking louder and harder.  Everytime I took a step back, she took a step and  half forward.  Finally, she had me almost pinned up against the candy rack.  I didn’t have time to hold my breath Freddy.  She caught me on the exhale man.  So I was fucking forced to breath her breath into my lungs bro. 

INTO MY LUNGS.

I tried turning my head this way and that way and whichever way I turned my head, she was right there to catch me in my face.

I couldn’t even hear what the hell she was saying man.  All I felt was heat.  I broke out into a sweat man.  Finally, finally, finally…I made myself ask her, “DO YOU WANT SOME STARBURST?”

Don’t ask me why it was starburst but for some reason that’s what the fuck came out.  It was my last and only hope. 

Let me fast forward now.  The girl ate a few starbursts, took some of my mints AND had a piece of gum.  All before we got to the restaurant, where I was taking her.  It’s like she knew she had serious breath.  

But it didn’t work Fred. 

I got hit with it again while we were waiting for our food.  The girl was like four feet across from me.  Completely on the other side of the table Freddy.  Listen, when the fucking waiter came to take our order, I watched his face when she began to speak to him and I kid you not, the GUY TURNED GREEN.  He turned green, coughed, his right eye got watery and his cheeks got flushed, he began to sweat, when he spoke back his voice cracked at first and then he slowly turned to look at me for help.  I looked at him for help also.  We we two men looking at one another for help and we couldn’t.

It was a horrible moment in my life.

After dinner, I figured she would be cured.  I mean, come on, dinner has to kill that shit right?  NOPE!  As we were walking back to the car, I got hit with it YET AGAIN my friend.  YET AGAIN!  YET AGAIN! YET, YET AGAIN!

I was furious by now, the girl obviously had some kind of problem.  I don’t know, maybe a rotting tooth or some kind of fungus in her belly or GOD KNOWS.

Anyway, to make a long ass story shorter than what I actually suffered…I took her back home, made up some excuse about having to get up early in the morning or whatever.  I walk her to her door and the worst thing of all…the moment that shattered me for a lifetime…she leaned in and started kissing me.

I was so disgusted, so aggravated, annoyed…pissed off that I grabbed her and made out with her like a savage beast.  Okay? 

THAT’S WHAT I DID!!!

I tongued the shit out of her like it was my last meal.  I let out all my rage on her for making me suffer all night long.  Just, (imitates how he kissed her)  muaahhammjuahham,uammuaaheea,mmauamuammmauamauaua, like a man on a mission.

I think she was shocked.  I turned around with a big fat grin on my face, got back in my car, and PEACE OUT MOFO!

Related posts:

1. “Pet Project” (comedy) 2-3 Minutes Share Photo Courtesy ZACK KLEIN Monologue Description: ”Pet Project” is...
2. “Stiff As A Board” (comedy) 2 Minutes SharePhoto Courtesy KYKNOORD Monologue Description:  ”STIFF AS A BOARD” is a...
3. “Humming Sound” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes Share Photo Courtesy JIM LINWOOD Follow Me On Twitter: @JosephArnone Monologue...
4. “Cock Blocker” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes Share Photo Courtesy RUBY SWOON Twitter Me This Batman @JosephArnone...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.