“Losing My Virginity” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Losing My Virginity” is about when one first has sex.

Character Description: In this monologue, Zachariah talks to his pal about last nights sexual events with a heavy set girl.

ZACHARIAH:

I woke up next to a fat bitch this morning dog.  I lost my virginity to a three hundred and fifty pound whale.  This girl, I don’t know.  All I remember is being at the club and talking with the most amazing looking girl I ever placed my eyes on.  I remember going to the bar and getting a drink.  We were talking for a while and then….

(shrieks)

Oh no, WAIT!  Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!  Holy shit, WAIT!  I remember the fat chick.  Dude, I remember the fat girl man.  When I was talking to the hot chick the fat chick was behind me.  She was behind me!  Ohhhhhhh shit!!! 

The hot chick got me drunk so the fat chick could have sex with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(getting visual flashbacks)

Oh God, DID SHE!!!  Oh, this is, this is just…not right.  Oh lord, I think I might…

I have the smell of ham in my nose…or is that, is, OH GOD!!!!!

(begins to gag but barely keeps it together)

Whew!  I’m okay, I’m okay.  Fine.  Yeah.  So. Ummm.  Ummm. 

I lost my virginity to a fat girl.  I don’t have nothing against fat girls but I prefer NOT to sleep with them.  ESPECIALLY when I was a virgin until last night and I would have much rather preferred to have lost my VIRGINESS to a hot chick, preferably the hot chick I was talking to at the bar!

For the rest of my life I have to acknowledge the fact that the first time I had sex…was with a…was.

(beat)

It WAS kind of good actually.