“Agent Amato” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Agent Amato” is about how horrible an acting agent could actually be in the entertainment industry.

Character Description: In this monologue, Amato gives advice to an actor.

AMATO:

Talent means shit kid, you mean shit kid and even shit means shit kid. You understand? We MAKE stars. I make things happen kid. You want a piece of advice, go home now before the turkey gets cold. Okay? You got it? Then take it. You’re no Brad Pitt kid.

Look, hey Mertha, Mertha?! Come here sweetheart, come here.

Joe, look at this woman, an absolute beast. Am I right? Right? Look at her…her right jaw is attached permanently to her fucking right shoulder. Look at that. Show him Mertha, show him. You see that kid? Now, this year we’re making her a star. You know why? Because even though she’s an ugly broad, she’s got potential because she stands out from a crowd. Believe me, I know, it’s how I met her. One day I was walking down the block and lo and behold, there she was..I noticed her a mile away. And I got the eye kid. I can spot talent when I spot talent. Believe you me.

You ever hear of the elephant man? Yeah, right here. I had a guy that did a great elephant man but he just recently died. Look at Mertha, is she not perfect for that fucking role or what? Am I crazy? Come on kid…you gotta have a look. You’re too plain. Change your name too, what kind of name is that, Joseph Arnone, what is that? Who can pronounce that?? It’s baloney kid, baloney.

I don’t shake hands kid. I never have, too costly. When you shake hands, you get sick. Too many sick people floating around and I want no part of it. You heard of Donald Trump? Yeah, good kid, good. He’s a personal friend of mine. I stayed at his hotel once. Yeah, me kid, me. When me and Trump met, we didn’t shake hands kid, we just stared, The Donald don’t shake hands neither and that’s how we paired up.

Now, I really don’t know why the fuck I am telling you this. Mertha, you could leave now. But listen kid, I’ll say it again in case you have trouble hearing. Talent means shit kid, it means shit. You gotta know people. Who do you know kid, who do you know?

WHO CARES? NOBODY CARES KID? NOBODY.

(phone rings)

I have to take this call. I’ll tell Amato that you were here. Take a look at me in those pictures on the way out. The one way over there is me and Trump.

Take care.