“Saggy Back” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Monologue Description:“Saggy Back” is about a couple being a couple.

Character Description: In this monologue, Reynold is having a zit popped on his back from his wife.

REYNOLD:

OOOOOOOOOOW! Gaaaa! That fucking HURT! What are you doing??

Well come on and get it. Just get it…pop it real quick!

E EE EEE EEEE EEEEE EEEEEE EEEEEEE!!!!! Ahhhh!!! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, you got it, you got it, you got it. That’s enough! That’s enough. No. No. That’s enough now. You fucking hurt me!

Jesus! I can’t. WHAT IF I DID THAT TO YOU??!! You put your freaking fingers through my body like that Indian guy from the Indiana Jones movie. God! I can’t even walk now. Great. I can’t even walk now because you –damn it!

(puts his back to a mirror)

Holy Shit! Look at that! Oh My–look at that. Your laughing? It’s funny to you? You find this–glad your finding this amusing Carol. Yeah, hee hee and haa haa.

I am not a wuss, don’t call me a wuss. Yeah, I’m not a big baby either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. I’d like to see what you’d say if your body felt like it just came out of a medieval torture device. Yeah, yeah. You got all the answ–No. Right. Fine. Your not popping my zits no more. Forget it. It’s done with. You can scratch that off your list of things to do for your man. Okay? Happy now?

At least now I won’t be tortured. And my SKIN is gonna be all wrinkley too. Watch when I’m old. I’m gonna be one of those old men you see running around the park. Like 90 years old, huffing and puffing. The front will look old but normal old and as soon as I pass you by, you glance at my back and it’s SAGGING DOW TO THE BACK OF MY KNEES.

Oh yeah. That’s me. That will one day be YOUR man. They’re gonna call me Saggy Back.

Alright, alright, I’ll shut up now.

I feel better.

Give me a kiss.

I love you.

Goodnight.