“Ball Dive” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Ball Dive” is about water and nuts.

Character Description: In this monologue, Dan tells a story to his fellow plumbers.

DAN:

The only OTHER pair of balls I ever saw in the flesh was my own sons when he was a baby…at least, up until today. I went on a job today, a plumbing job. You know, the usual, fix a toilet.

So I get in my truck and go out there. Out in Freeport. I get to the house, ring the bell and it’s this old man. He had to be in his seventies or so. He tell me he has a problem with his toilet. I follow him upstairs and he begins to explain to me that the water level to the bowl is high. I check it out, make some minor adjustments, give or take, nothing really wrong with the levels.

So, I let the man know that his toilet is really fine. He tells me it’s not. I told him it’s normal water level. He tells me it can’t be because everytime he sits on the toilet, his balls hit the water!

Now I did just about everything to keep a straight face, let me tell you. The old man was serious and then in an instant he says, (imitates the old man) “Here, I’ll show ya!!” And before I could say boo, his balls are whipped out and he’s looking at me while he is sitting on the toilet going, “See, see?!”.

My mouth dropped cause I just couldn’t believe this was happening. I left the bathroom and went back downstairs. I told the old man that all I could think of was that he needed a toilet seat that can go over the toilet seat. A way for him to sit higher so his balls won’t touch. I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do?

Insanity.