“Don’t Drink The Water” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Don’t Drink The Water” is about a guy who has theories about Poland Spring water.

Character Description: In this monologue, Hollis talks about is conspiracy theories to a stranger he sits next to at a park bench. Hollis is an eccentric.

HOLLIS:

Excuse me but…Do you always drink Polish water? I think that if you drink Poland Spring water that you are going to become brain washed. Yeah. I think it’s the governments way of controlling us. You’ve heard the jokes…polish people are stupid. Yadda Blah Yadda. The way I figured it, is that if Polish people are not that smart, than why should we drink Polish water? What if we drank the Polish water and started to get stupid?? It could happen. And then the government puts 666 somewhere on our bodies.

You see, nobody ever thinks of these things. I DO! I never touched the water in my life and never will. I think the government is involved in it, you know, BIG BROTHER. They are watching us. They use the Polish water to tap into our minds. You can’t drink that stuff or else you will be like Morpheous in the movie The Matrix when they drugged him up and started asking him all kinds of questions because they were trying to find Neo but they couldn’t crack Morpheous because Morpheous was too strong and–

(takes a deep breath)

Sorry, I had to stop talking because I ran out of air. I sometimes do that when I get excited about a subject. I forget to include commas in my sentences, which causes me to lose air in my lungs, which causes me to lose my breath.

(inhales quickly)

See? It almost happened again. What was I talking about? Oh yeah!

Don’t drink the water. Don’t drink the water like that Dave Matthews guy says. Ummm, he’s right.