“Hairy Pits” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Hairy Pits” is about personal hygiene.

Character Description: In this monologue, Paul talks to his boys about a hot girl he’s spotted in a club BUT there’s one problem, she has hairy arm pits.

PAUL:

(bobbing his head to the loud club music, hands raised in the air with a drink in his hand)

Uh uh, yeah yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Wheeeeeeeew! Yo, hey YO! Check that girl down over there bro. Yo! I call dibbs on that one g. YO, yo I keep watching guys go up to her man, they keep on trying to dance with her. You want me to show you how this is done? Yeah?!

Listen, let’s watch this chick dance for a few minutes more and then I’ll make my move. I gotta make sure my timing is right. She’s hot right? Damn, look how sexy she moves man. Whew! Wow, look at that ass! Damn, she can shake that ass. That girls got a slammin’ ass. Damn!

She’s got a nice package man. Okay, I’m gonna go make my–WAIT! Did you see that?! Yo, did you just catch that?? I could have sworn that when she raised her arms up, she had hairy pits.

(to another friend)

Yo Vin, vin, watch that girl over there with me man…no not that one, the one with the red, YEAH, yeah her. Red Skirt. I could have sworn I just saw her with hairy pits man. Maybe I’ve had too much to drink but it sure as hell looked like hairy pits man.

Let’s watch…

(pause)

Shit, wait…almost…damn, I just want her to raise her arms one more time bef—OHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OHHHHHHHH! She’s got monkey pits! Oh God but she so hot!!! I can’t fucking believe that. No way man. Oh my God, shit, she’s probably fucking European or something man. You know those foreign girls man, they don’t shave.

(beat)

What do you think? Should I still go for it. I mean, what’s a little hair right? Hair is a sign of strength. Maybe she’s a real animal in bed huh? Huh? HAHAHA What do you think? Should I go over there or what? Yeah?! Yeah?!

You know what? Fuck it! Let’s do another shot and then I’m on it. I don’t care, she’s fucking hot bro!