“Anybody Home?” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Anybody Home?” is about a Grandson making a terrible discovery about his Grandmother.

Character Description: In this monologue, Daniel confesses a story he witnessed of his Grnadmother’s true self leacked out. He confesses this story, as he is knelt in front of his Grandmothers open coffin. He shares this story with his cousin Earl, who happened to kneel beside him.

DANIEL:

I go to my mother’s house to surprise her. Just a little pop up visit is all. I’ve been thinking about her alot lately. I worry about her. She’s not getting any younger and I think about her more often.

(beat)

So, I have the key to the house and I let myself in. I don’t see her car outside, so I’m assuming I’m alone. I even shout out if anybody’s home. No answer.

So I walk into the living room and I hear a noise coming out from the bathroom. So, I go closer to the bathroom because it sounded like it came from there and I hear it again but this time I was able to identify it. It sounded like a fart. No really, it did. So I walk closer to the bathroom with my ear turned up real high and I hear an assortment of noises now. I am standing right in front of the door and I place my ear to it, I cup my ear like this, (cups his ear) and I listen.

I was now certain that someone was inside the bathroom farting up a storm. I just didn’t know who. I even wondered if it was a thief that had a sudden shock of the shits but it wasn’t, it was my Grandmother. It was my sweet tiny old Grandmother who never makes a peep. She has the softest voice in all the world. She was a woman that didn’t even burp, the cleanest woman you would ever meet. But you know this.

This Brady Bunch perfect image of my Grandmother was shattered forever when she stepped out from the bathroom. I was in awe. I could not believe the sounds that were coming from the bathroom, I would say a minimum of AT LEAST ten minutes time. And that is at least what I know about. How long was she in there before I came into the picture.

What happened to my sweet tiny Granny? She was lying all those years.

When she came out of the bathroom, she looked me dead in the eye, she didn’t even flinch, she looked right at me and said, “Don’t say a word of this to anyone or I’ll kill you.” and she smiled faintly but it wasn’t the sweet Grandma smile, it was satanic. It scared the bejesus out of me!

I never spoke a word of it to anyone, not unleast until now. I actually feel better I have gotten this off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

(daniel gets up and abruptly leaves the coffin and his cousin)