“Neat Freak” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Neat Freak” is about being overboard with cleanliness.

Character Description: In this monologue, Alex talks to his buddy about how he can’t take living with his girlfriend anymore because she is too damn clean.

ALEX:

She is worse than the guy from the Odd Couple or the father from Full House or the maid from The Brady Bunch. Worse than my mother and grandmother combined. Worse than any house cleaning lady or hotel cleaning lady around the globe. She is the ultimate neat freak.

I catch her scrubbing the floors daily. I told her it’s not necessary, not unless we planned on eating our dinner there. I watch her scrub the counter tops when there isn’t anything to scrub. She vacuums the rugs as if they were never before vacuumed. Our dog lucky is REALLY lucky. She treats him like royalty. Does his nails, combs him twice daily, actually bought a coat for him for the winter PLUS booties for his feet, scarf, toys by the dozen, all kinds of wacky treats, the gourmet kind that, I never would have imagined existed in doggy land. She even has dog company over for him as if it were children having play time. I even caught her reading to him once…it wigged me out.

Than when she cooks, she cooks for ten people and it’s just us. All the leftovers get wasted most of the time. If I put one single spoon in the sink, before I have enough time to actually take one step away, she is already turning the faucet on and already soaping up the spoon!

I have never met a woman like this and I am not sure if this is normal. I’m used to living with my bros. I’m used to smelly bedrooms and stale beer and scattered chips in different parts of the house. I’m used to filthy tubs and urine stained toilet bowls and unmade beds. I’m used to dirty rugs and inch thick dust on television screens and lamps. I’m used to chipped furniture and oh man, I miss my grill…

She actually unplugs the lamps and cleans the lightbulbs. Who does that? When you go into my office, the bulletin board does not look like a bulletin board because the bulletin board is TOO ORDERLY. My books, all of my cherished books are organized in alphabetical order by author’s last name AND, I can’t find anything!

Now, I’m not an animal. I’m not a slimy slithering slob of a man. I keep things respectable and it is comfortable. I like how I am. I like being able to thumb through my library and grab something at random, now I can’t do that. I can’t live with her like this. She is too much for me.

(beat)

If I don’t tell her soon, I think Im going to have to break up with her because I can’t function like this. It’s like being in the fucking military. If I blow wind in front of her she acts like it’s a Hamlet tragedy. God forbid I forget to close the toothpaste or leave my shoes somewhere they, unbeknownst to me, aren’t aloud to be. She is scarying me. She is like one of those EXTRA HAPPY, EXTRA SMILEY cookie cutter perfect t.v. moms, who are really masked psychos. I can see it in her eyes. I’m afraid one day she will kill me with a house appliance.

It’s that serious.