“Dump In Peace” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Dump In Peace” is about trying to use a bathroom facility in peace.

Character Description: In this monologue, Kenneth is on the toilet bowl trying to take a dump. His girlfriend disturbs him.

KENNETH:

I’m on the bowl, can you wait for me to finish….What?! What?! I, I can’t hear you. What?! I’m on the bowl! I’m…

(to himself)

Oh man.

(to her)

I AM SHITTING!!!

Yeah! Just wait until I’m out.

(beat)

(to himself)

Great. (sighs) Now I can’t shit. (sighs) Damn it.

(gets up from the toilet)

What did you want cause now I can’t shit and you might as well tell me. What? I AM blaming you, you broke my concentration. I answered you like five times. Well, I had to scream on the top of my lungs for you to hear me and when I did that, my crap flew back up into my ass and I couldn’t shit anymore. Now I have to wait, so thanks.

(sighs)

Listen, whatever, just tell me what you wanted to tell me cause obviosuly I can’t shit now. So what did you want? What was all the fuss about??

You just wanted to know where I was? It’s not like we live in a mansion honey. We live in an apartment with three rooms. Didn’t you hear me answering you? You couldn’t make out what I was saying? But didn’t it sound like my voice was coming from the bathroom??

No, I’m just aggrivated now that you ruined my dump because you wanted to know where I was. WHY? What was the reason? No reason?

(beat)

Great…What do you mean, what is the big deal? Come on Fran, I was shitting alright?! Watch, next time you are sitting on the bowl about to shit, I’m going to burst in and sing fucking opera. See if you like that!

It’s not a big deal. Whatever. I’m fine. I’ll live. It has to come out sooner or later. Hopefully sooner than later.

(sighs)

Do me a favor, next time you want to know where I am for no apparent reason, just look for me because I was about to squeeze one out and you forced me to shout and well, forget it, I already told you…just do that for me okay? Just let me shit next time.

I KNOW YOU DIDN’T KNOW BUT NEXT TIME FUCKING LOOK FOR ME INSTEAD OF…oh God, you make me nuts sometimes. I’ll just tell you I’m shitting next time.

I can’t believe this, I have to report to you now as to when I have to let one drop. Fantastic! Well, it’s the only way it seems that I can shit in peace. No, this wasn’t the first time Fran. You’ve done this to me a few times. Do you get joy from doing this to me? Seriously, are you having some laughs all by yourself? Like, “Ha Ha, he’s shitting, let me screw him up.”

Alright, I know it’s not deliberate alright? Let me blow off some steam. Not a big deal. Be more aware of it. No, wise ass, you don’t have to MONITOR my daily dumps but just have some additional common sense–I can’t even believe we are talking about this still. We are taking this too far. Let’s just quit it. I think we know the game plan, right?

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