“Bitch Tits” (serio-comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Bitch Tits” is about just that…man breasts.

Character Description: In this monologue,  Bob shares his problems with a friendly bar patron at a bar counter.  Bob is a middle-aged single guy who has no self-esteem whatsoever.  He speaks slow and dull, a matter of fact type of guy.

BOB:

I don’t know, it’s like I woke up one morning, looked down and came to the understanding that I have bitch tits.  I mean, how did that happen?  How?  Why didn’t I notice sooner?  It was as if one day my chest was like, “Heeeeey Bob, looky here, BITCH TITS!!!”

I was always in good shape.  Especially in high school.  I was on the football team and everything.  I had a six pack and the whole nine.  Where did I go wrong?  When do breasts begin to develop??

I first noticed it when I was shaving one morning.  I had my shirt off and was about to hop into the shower and I realized that my pecks had a saggy look to them.  On closer inspection I noticed further that it was more than just sag…it was flab.

How am I supposed to pick up women now?  What woman is going to want a man with small little tits?  To think, this was something I always used to kid about whenever I saw some guy walking along the beach.  I used to joke with my friends but now, oh Lord do I regret saying one word.  I think it came back to bite me on the chest because now I’M the guy walking along the beach showing off my perky boobies.

I joined the gym.  I am determined to get rid of these two new companions of mine.  I don’t want them, that’s obvious.  It’s a wicked thing on a man’s mind to feel like your turning into a female.  Trust me.  It’s like, “Well, you’ve been a loser as a man all your life, let’s see how ya fair as a woman!”

Lovely.  Just lovely.  You see right there?  The word lovely.  Who uses that word?  WOMEN do!  It’s not a manly word.  Damn.  I really need to start pumping some iron.  I’ve tried though, I have.  Everytime I go to the gym, I see a hot girl and instead of sticking my chest out to be all manly, I have to tuck my chest in to hide my two friends.  I look like the HunchBack of Notre Dame with a size B.  

Very upsetting.  Hey bartender, I’ll have another.

“Flycatcher” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Flycatcher” is about a woman’s experience with a fly.

Character Description: In this monologue,  Anna talks to her girlfriend about a humorous story regarding her and a fly.

ANNA: 

Check this out.  I’m on my way to go meet Dave for lunch today and while I’m walking to the restaurant, I feel something fly in my mouth.  Hit me directly in the back of my throat.  So now I’m on the sidewalk coughing and gagging and humiliating myself because I feel this fly buzzing around the inside of my mouth!

I’m letting out little short screams and I must have looked like a mad woman to people watching.  I was never so embarrassed!

Finally I don’t feel the fly anymore and I calm myself down and I enter the restaurant.  I see Dave and I look at him to see if he saw me outside flipping around but he didn’t.  I wasn’t about to tell him what happened.  I was humiliated enough.

We order our food and Dave says something funny so I start laughing away but I notice a strange expression on his face.  I stop laughing and ask him what’s up.  He tells me that I have something in front of my two front teeth.  Something black!

Now I panic and I fuss around in my bag and dig out my mirror and I look at me teeth and I don’t see anything.  I say where???

He tells me that it looked like a giant fly was over my front tooth.  So I go back to the mirror and I’m swishing around my tongue this way and that way.  I grab my glass of water and I swish it around my mouth.  I show him my teeth again and he starts cracking up hysterical!

I ask him what the hell is so funny and he tells me that he saw me outside!!!  HAHAHA.  He said that he watched me in awe and that my reaction to regain self control was priceless.  He said that he just had to bust my chops! 

Hahaha.  It was worth it.  We had a great laugh about it all and I was humiliated all over again….oh boy, oh boy…

“Smellllllly” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Smelllllly”  is about a girl who has terrible foot odor.

Character Description: In this monologue, Darnell talks to his good friend about a girl he had over his place whose feet smelt so bad that he fainted.  He describes the events that took place.

DARNELL:

Bro, listen to me, the girl has stank feet.  Stanky–ass–feet.  Odorific!!  Like cheese, rotted onions and like arm pits that haven’t been washed in decades kind of foot odor.  I fainted.  No really.  I fucking fainted bro. 

We were in my bedroom, fooling around and she was on her back.  So whatever, you know, things started getting a little hot and I pull off her jeans nice and slow and sexy.  We kept fooling around, things were getting hotter and hotter…I pull off her panties and she’s nice, (kisses his fingers like an Old Italian)  Multi Bella, (tranlation means very beautiful) she’s got a landing strip, REAL nice, well maintained.   So we get to the take off your boots part.

I tell her to take off her boots and at first she was hesitant.  I didn’t understand why and I was like, “Don’t worry baby, I’ll take them off for you”.  Right?  So I do and man oh man!  Let me tell you Greg, when I took off this girls boot, HOOOOLY SHIIIIIT did I faint.  I literally got weak and trembly.  I fell to one side man and it was the wrong side of the bed!  I fell OFF the fucking bed and onto the floor, BAM, fell down hard.  Seriously, no joke.  I really inhaled it cause I didn’t expect it.

I felt sick and hurt cause I landed on my head bro.  My head was pounding and I started getting hot flashes in my neck and I told her to get me water.  I was like, (in a strained voice) “Get me water, get me water.”   I was like that guy begging for water in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.  Anyway!

She comes back with a glass of water and I’m still on the floor trying to get up.  And she’s got one boot on and her other foot, the one with the boot off is right by my face!  And I was like, “OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”  And my head jerked back, it like snapped back bro. 

I could barely get the words out to her….I was like, “Fee, fee, your fee, your feet smell horrible.” 

And she was like, “Oh, that’s from the boots”.  Can I use your bathroom sink, I’ll wash them up? 

And I was like, “How old are those boots girl?”

And she was like, “I just bought them”.

And I was like, “Just bought them?  Are you sure it’s not your feet?  Do your feet smell when you wear other shoes?

And she was like, “No.”

But tonight I’m seeing her again and I wanna see if her feet are going to smell or not bro.  If her feet stank again, dude, I am done with that broad.  Hell no!  I wish you could have smelt it just to see what the hell I’m talking about.  It was ridiculous!  It was worse than a homeless man’s ass, okay?  Not that I know what a homeless man’s ass smells like but you get the picture.

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