“The Girls” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “The Girls” is about finding that special someone.

Character Description: In this monologue, Dana is listening to her girlfriend’s new love interest with hidden disgust and apparent loneliness.

DANA: 

(Dana is trying to sit on her toilet bowl, which happens to feel like ice.  She does this while talking to her girlfriend on the telephone.)

Damn, I hate taking shits on a COLD toilet bowl!  Ffffffff! It’s ALWAYS when you have to go real bad!!  Damn it!  I have to crap in the air until my butt gets adjusted.  Don’t you hate that?  God, it’s the worst!  My freaking landlords control the heat in this place or else I’d have a nice toasty warm–oh wait, WAIT, why don’t I just go and purchase one of those rug bowl thingies, you know, the ones every Grandmother has, those toilet seat covers.  God, I’m such a moron.  Why didn’t I think of that sooner?

(imitating Homer Simpson from the Simpsons)

DOH!

Yeah, I’m an ass, so ANYWAY, what’s up?  Oh, your shitting too?!  Hahahaha.  Great, great.  It’s good to know we are that close, that we could actually tell eachother that we are–okay, new topic. 

Anyway, the reason why I am calling you is to find out what happened with you and Rene the Sweden.  When you sent me those pictures,  HOLY SHIT, he is JUUUUUUUICY.  Does he look like that in person?  Does he?  Does he?  HE DOES?!   Wow, that’s incredible, I gotta get me a swede.  What chat room did you go into?  hahaha.  I’m there!  These Amercian boys can’t hang babe.  hahaha.  So what happened?  How was your date?

(pause)

HE DID WHAT?  WHAT?!  No, he didn’t.  Get out of here.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  You’re serious!  Holy shit.  Well, that’s a little border line fun slash nutjob slash charming slash don’t know what to think…How did you take that?  Oh yeah?  Really?  Oh, okay, GOOD then, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.  No, no, that’s great!  Hey, if your, hey, if you know, if you guys click, maybe that’s what you need, you know?  You feel whole?  Oh yeah?  Oh, wow.  Awwwwww, that’s so sweet.

(she makes a throw up face)

Awwwww, that’s sooooo, sooooo—soooo nice.  Yeah.  Hmmm.  Happy you found someone.  You deserve it.  Yes, you do.  You do.  But, you do.  You do.  You do.  yeah.  You do.  No, no…YOU DO.

(puts her finger in her mouth sarcastically)

Oh, go ahead dear.  Yeah babe, we will talk later.  Oh, your going out with–oh!  haha.  Good.  Have fun.  Well look, we’ll just, YEAH, just call me over the…SUNDAY.  Sunday is great.  Yeah.  Who me?  Oh, me?  I’m gonna call Lara and Myrtle and, THE GIRLS.  Yeah, we’re going to sugar it up at Sugars baby.  Yeah.

Call me.  Bye-Bye.

(beat)

Bitch, I fucking hate you!