“Bitch Tits” (serio-comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Bitch Tits” is about just that…man breasts.

Character Description: In this monologue,  Bob shares his problems with a friendly bar patron at a bar counter.  Bob is a middle-aged single guy who has no self-esteem whatsoever.  He speaks slow and dull, a matter of fact type of guy.

BOB:

I don’t know, it’s like I woke up one morning, looked down and came to the understanding that I have bitch tits.  I mean, how did that happen?  How?  Why didn’t I notice sooner?  It was as if one day my chest was like, “Heeeeey Bob, looky here, BITCH TITS!!!”

I was always in good shape.  Especially in high school.  I was on the football team and everything.  I had a six pack and the whole nine.  Where did I go wrong?  When do breasts begin to develop??

I first noticed it when I was shaving one morning.  I had my shirt off and was about to hop into the shower and I realized that my pecks had a saggy look to them.  On closer inspection I noticed further that it was more than just sag…it was flab.

How am I supposed to pick up women now?  What woman is going to want a man with small little tits?  To think, this was something I always used to kid about whenever I saw some guy walking along the beach.  I used to joke with my friends but now, oh Lord do I regret saying one word.  I think it came back to bite me on the chest because now I’M the guy walking along the beach showing off my perky boobies.

I joined the gym.  I am determined to get rid of these two new companions of mine.  I don’t want them, that’s obvious.  It’s a wicked thing on a man’s mind to feel like your turning into a female.  Trust me.  It’s like, “Well, you’ve been a loser as a man all your life, let’s see how ya fair as a woman!”

Lovely.  Just lovely.  You see right there?  The word lovely.  Who uses that word?  WOMEN do!  It’s not a manly word.  Damn.  I really need to start pumping some iron.  I’ve tried though, I have.  Everytime I go to the gym, I see a hot girl and instead of sticking my chest out to be all manly, I have to tuck my chest in to hide my two friends.  I look like the HunchBack of Notre Dame with a size B.  

Very upsetting.  Hey bartender, I’ll have another.