“Charity” (serio-comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Charity” is about getting stuck with a bill while going out with your friends.

Character Description: In this monologue, Michael talks to his friend about what there other two friends did in regards to sticking him with a bill, while out at a club over the weekend.

MICHAEL:

The guys got more money than God and he’s the cheapest son of a bitch I’ve ever known.  Lenny is loaded, trust me.

(beat)

We go out the other night, right?  We went to this place called MYST.  Whatever, we’re hanging out, having some fun, meeting some ladies and we decide to go V.I.P.  We get a booth and order a few bottles and life is great. 

Later in the night, it comes time to pay the bill and wouldn’t you know it, I’m the only asshole standing there.  I’m staring at the bill on the table with three girls around me.  So now my pride is a factor cause I can’t look like some jerkoff that can’t afford the bill.  But that’s besides the point.  Everybody seemed to disappear.  I’m looking around at the dance floor, I take a walk to the bathrooms, I check outside, I come back to the table and only the girls are still there.  Now my blood goes up right? 

The bill came to fourteen hundred dollars.  So I paid the bill and left.  The next morning I get a phone call from lenny saying he was in a brawl outside when he went out for a smoke and that him and Ernie got thrown out of the club. 

He was full of shit.  The guy drinks like a fish.  I was never a big drinker, my whole life I’ve been that way…had like two shots and three glasses and I was fine.  I don’t mind chipping in even if I didn’t drink much but those guys rounded on me so I could pay the bill.

It pissed me off.  So I told him, “Asshole, I don’t care about your stupid brawl, I want my money, you owe me five hundred and Ernie owes me five hundred.”  I told him, “What do you think this is, CHARITY?” 

So now I haven’t heard back from either one of those guys and they are supposed to be my closest friends.  Imagine?  This is the shit I gotta deal with in my life??

But I did have fun though back at my place with my lady friends.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

But my moron friends don’t need to know that…hahaha.

“Next In Line” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Next In Line” is about store courtesy.

Character Description: In this monologue, Lucille verbally abuses customers for no apparent reason.  This is a comedy and meant to be a monologue skit.   It’s as if a retail worker can actually speak their mind, this is what might come out.  The character is a real bitch, full of sarcasm and attitude.  Not someone you would like but it works for the piece written.

LUCILLE:

Next in line! 

(Looking at the items the customer wishes to purchase)

What is that?  You’re actually going to buy that?

HAHAHAHA

Hey, whatever floats your boat lady. 

(beat)

What do I mean?  Nothing, I’ll get fired, nevermind.  Sorry I spoke.

(looking at the next item)

Oh God!  Hahaha.  Are you serious about those underwears?  You can fit a dinosaur in those.  Jesus!  Why don’t you lose some weight or something?  God, my uncles a truck driver and gets extremely lonely on long drives and even HE would pass up on what wears those!

I’m sorry, I’ll shut up now.  I’m bad, I know I’m bad.  I’m just opinio—Oh NO!  BROWNIES!!!  You’re going to buy a box, NO, one, two, THREE, THREE boxes of brownies??!!! Wow, hey, be my guest…go for it.  Come back in a week for a bigger size of undies.  You can always exchange….

(trying not to laugh but then)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What?  My manager?  My manager is off duty right now.  He’s too busy porking the woman who works nextdoor at Subway. 

What?  You ARE speaking to someone…ME.

(smiles sarcastically)

Come on, come on.  Just pass over the next item so you can get back to the farm.  Let’s go, keep it moving, let’s go.  Come on, come on.  Send it down. 

Awwwwww, now THAT’S nice.  That is really really….HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  YEAH RIGHT!  AS IF!!!

A poco dot dress!  God, now it makes sense, you work for the circus don’t you?  You’re one of those freaks!  Do you have free tickets?  Do ya?  Come on, do ya?  Just one, give me a pass for one.

(beat)

Why is your face turning beat red?  Are you okay?  That’s why you gotta lay off the pasta there babe.  I’ll tell you what.  Why don’t you go back in the store and buy yourself a salad?  A nice healthy salad.  Go on, you do that and I’ll be right here waiting for you.  Chop, chop!  Go on!  I’ll give you a recipe!

NEXT IN LINE!

Hello sir!  HAHAHA.  Oh yeah, you’re gonna need those!  Why bother?  Condoms?  Like you are actually getting laid?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Go buy a mirror instead and take a haaaaard and I mean haaaaard look at
yourself there pal. Whew! Isle seven pal. Yeah, right next to isle six where we sell facial cream, which I strongly suggest you use for those holes in your
face. God have mercy on you! Church! Go to church and say a selfish prayer, be sure to catch the late night mass so you don’t scare anybody.

NEXT IN LINE!!!!

To Read Episode 2:  CLICK HERE

“Wino” (drama) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Wino” is about disliking your boss.  The all too common tale.

Character Description: In this monologue, Heather has had a very bad day at work, more than is usually tolerable and she goes off complaining to her girlfriend after work at a lounge where they are sitting and having drinks.

HEATHER:

Oh please, he is such a winy bitch.  Complain, complain, complain allll day long, everyday.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  I need to switch jobs!  I cannot take him anymore.  Non-stop, all day!  He’s driving me to insanity.  Heather, do this, do that, do this, do that. 

I know I’m his secretary okay, I get it, that’s my job but this guy is too much to bare.  He’s never happy!  Never satisfied!  He never gives me one compliment.  Not that I’m fishing for compliments but I’ve been working for him for at least a year now and do you think the guy would one time break down and say to me that I’m doing a good job or do you think he can find the words THANK YOU somewhere in his vocabulary?  Or PLEASE! 

The guy is a rude asshole.  I’m demanding of myself to find a new job within two weeks and than I’m going to tell him to take his job and stick it up his ass!

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