“YO” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “YO”  is about name calling.

Character Description:  In this monologue, Kirby is having a really bad day and it gets worse when one of his workers calls him “yo” instead of by his real name.

KIRBY:

Yo?  What?  Yo?!  Did you just fucking YO me?  You just yo’d me?  Do I look like a YO to you?  I have a name?  What’s my name?  Say my name.  Huh?  That’s right, Kiiiiirby.  That is my name.  KIRBY.  That is what you call me.  You have a problem with my name?  No?  Are you sure?  Are you REALLY sure?  Good, because you’re fired.  Get your shit and get the fuck out of my office. 

GO!  I am serious.  I’m not playing with you.  Nobody yo’s me.  I’m not some sort of yo yo type of guy okay.  Go back to the ghetto or wherever the fuck you’re from and go yo somebody else. 

This is corporate America pal, there’s no YO-ing aloud!!

(to himself)

…Schmuck…

(phone rings)

Hello?  Yo, what’s up?!  How have you been buddy?  Long time, long time. 

“Getting Ready” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Getting Ready” is about the pains men go through while their woman gets ready before going out.

Character Description:  In this monologue, Leo complains to his friend about how long it takes his girlfriend and women in general, FOREVER to get themselves ready before going out.

LEO:

Why do women always have to make us men wait before we go out?  It’s unbelievable.  HOURS!  Hours to get ready.   It is a forever process.  Forever to get into the shower, forever to take the shower, forever to dry themselves AFTER the shower, forever to choose what they are wearing, forever to put on make up, forever to do their hair, forever to stare at themselves in the mirror.  Forever, forever, FOREVER!

But it’s worth it.  It really is man.  Listen, Janine takes a minimum and I mean minimum of three hours to get ready and that’s WITHOUT prep time.  Prep time is running her errands, getting all her pedicure stuff done, tanning, buying a new outfit JUST for the night we are going out, getting her hair did and on and on. 

But it’s worth it.  It’s worth it.  When a woman is done getting ready, it is like being given entrance into Heaven.  First off, my girl looks gorgeous and secondly, I am totally excited that she is finally ready to go out, so I am EXTRA happy.  ha ha.

What a process us men go through.  Patience really is a virtue.  ha ha

“Howta Be A Gangsta – Episode 2″ (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Howta Be A Gangsta” is a spoof.

Character Description:  In this monologue, Vic is doing his own personal DVD series on teaching people how to be gangsters.  This character believes that he can make good money selling DVD’s on the subject.  He takes the matter very seriously and with great passion.

VIC:

(to camera) 

Hello everybody and welcome to “VIC’S SHOW - HOWTA BE A GANGSTA”, I’m your host VIC! 

Today I am going to show you how to choke somebody out.  Sometimes you can be in a tight situation and you gotta know how ta defend yourself in dis time of need.  Sometimes you don’t have enough room ta kick or punch or swing a pipe, like in the last episode I showed ya.  Sometimes you gotta use da claw.

Now, what is da claw ya must be wonderin’?  Dat is why I am here, to tell ya.  

I’m gonna demonstrate on Lucas ova here. 

(To Lucas)

Lucas, just relax, I’m not really gonna choke ya, it’s for show, for our viewers. 

(back to camera)

(Vic demonstrates on Lucas as he explains)

Now, when you are in dat time of need, dis is what you do.  You pull your fingers back and spread them out from one another, like so.  And then you viciously sic your hand like a pipple on the other persons jugular and squeeze with all your might.  I call dis da claw and it works everytime.

(Vic is choking Lucas without realizing and without taking his hand off of Lucas’ neck)

You keep it there.  Ya see how his face begins to turn red and he starts to go into some spasm. 

(Lucas begins to shake) 

(To Lucas)

Don’t shake too much Lucas, it won’t look real.

(back to camera)

Dat’s when you know you got him good and he ain’t goin’ no wheres.  Hahaha.

(Lucas is still getting choked)

Reminds me of the time when I had dis big three hundred pound guy in a fight.  We were going at it and then finally I gave him da claw.  Slowed him down nice and

(Lucas faints)

…that’s good acting Lucas.

(Vic wearily steps away from Lucas)

Anyway, da claw worked on the guy and I think it worked on Lucas too.  HAHAHAHA!!!!

Okay ladies and gents, that’s how you choke somebody out.  USE DA CLAW!!!

That’s dat.

Until next time, I’m ya host VIC and this is “VICS SHOW – HOWTA BE A GANGSTA”.

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