“Soap and Water” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Soap and Water” is about looking right to go to a club.

Character Description: In this monologue,  Spence is in his car waiting for his friend to get in so they can go to club and meet more friends in the city.  When Spence’s friend gets in his car, he realizes that he is not “club worthy”. 

SPENCE: 

You’re ready to go out tonight man?  Yeah?  Okay then, do me a favor.  Would you mind scratching off the dried up boogy you have hanging off the side of your nose please? 

(shakes his head)

Man.  And do you think you could actually brush your breath because you’ve been stinking up my car with it and you’re killing me.  I forgave you the first three times but not tonight.   No No, listen Bobby.  Do what you gotta do on your own time.  You want to live and look like a slob be my guest but NOT when we’re going out to the club, going to get ladies.  It’s not allowed. 

Look at yourself.  Is that a STAIN on your shirt?  Over by the third button down!  What is that, pasta sauce?  You don’t even know right?  Come on man!  Go back in the house and change.  Go brush your teeth too.  Did you even shower?  Huh?  What?  You didn’t shower??  You are not club worthy bro!!

Bro, what is wrong with you?  Are you feeling alright?  Maybe you’re coming down with something.  Because I don’t understand you.  Don’t you want to get ass?  Than why wouldn’t you take a shower?  It takes five minutes, soap and water, that’s all.  You have taken a shower before in your life right?  Well okay then.  Go shower and, and, wait a sec, is that fuzz on your face?  Wait!  Step back into the street light.  Wow man.  Bro, do you realize you look filthy?  No, no, really, you do.  You look like a homeless man who is trying to fit into society!

Jesus!  Fine!  Do I have to teach you everything?!  We’ve gone out before, don’t you know how to get your game on?  Damn bro!  This is gonna cost us a half hour at least.  That is an important have hour in club time.  You are totally blowing our entrance and everything bro.  You’re killing me!

No, I drove all the way here, I’m not going into the city without you now.  That’s stupid.  Come on, let’s get with the program here, let’s go back in the house and figure out your game.  Shit!