“Weed Advice” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “Weed Advice” is about listening to bad advice from a pot head friend.

Character Description:  In this monologue,  Larson talks to his friend about how he humiliated himself by calling his ex-girlfriend up on the phone while drunk and stoned with another friend. 

LARSON: 

I got weed advice man!  He gave me freaking WEED ADVICE!!!  I should have never of listened to him!

Shit, damnit, I knew it!!!  I knew it!  I knew it!  I knew it!

I called her.  I freaking called her.   I called her.

He told me that I should call her and so I did.  I dialed her number when I knew in my minds eye that I was making a giant BOO BOO.  Every button I pushed on that telephone keypad was me stabbing myself with Uma Thurman’s sword from KILL BILL!!!

You follow?

Well follow this, I made an ASS out of myself.  God knows what the hell I was babbling on about.  Drunk, slobbery, gabbledygook!  Talking about some singing opera shit with fucking God knows what else.  I may have sung opera to her for all I know.  A complete and utter asshole!

So I left her the message and than when I woke up from my wild night, I began to think.  And suddenly my thoughts of feeling sick and nasuea became worse when I realized I called my girlfriend, EX-GIRLFRIEND, ex, ex, ex…that’s right, last night!

(laughs hysterically)

(takes another swig of his beer)

Am I?  Am I? 

(beat)

Am I an asshole?!    I am right?  I am.  I knew it.  I’m an asshole.  I am. I am.  I am.  Yeah.  I am.  Freaking, freaking asshole.