“Drool” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Drool” is a comedy about a first date gone terribly wrong.

Character Description:  In this monologue, Marsha is telling her best friend about her nightmare tale of a first date she had that never made it past her block.

MARSHA: 

Okay, so I get in his car and I am all decked out.  I just went out and spent almost three hundred dollars on this sexy dress and I was looking fine.  I mean FINE!  He picks me up and I step out of my house looking like the Queen Diva.  I was delicious. 

He drives a BMW, a beautiful car.  He opens the door for me and I sit down.  I first notice a slight whiff of some sort.  A weird odor that I couldn’t place.  And then I notice a strange moist sensation under my butt.  I casually felt underneath my ass with my hand and I discover a slimy goo.  My heart started thumping.

He gets back into his car and I am sitting there with my hand extended as this stringy glop is dripping off my fingers.  I was gagging and absolutely horrified.  I was like, ” What is this?  What is dripping off my fingers Larry?”  He looks at me like it was no big deal and says, “That’s just Sam, my dog.  I forgot to wipe off the seats before I picked you up.  I hope it’s okay.  Do you need a tissue?”

I was like, “YEAH, I need a tissue bitch!”  and he was like, “Woah, no reason to curse and get so excited, it’s just drool, we can wipe it right off.”  and I was like, “NO!”  and he was like, “What?”  and I was like, “NO! NO!”  and he was like, “What’s the matter with you?”  and I was like, “I am sitting in dog drool, HELLOOOO, and your asking me what is wrong with ME?!”  and he was like, “Yeah” and I was like, “Oh my God” and he was like, “Chill” and I was like, “No way!” and he was…wait, what was he like…Well, it was just all wrong from there. 

He gave me tissues that must have been in his glove compartment since they manufactured the car because when I grabbed the tissues from his hand all these tissue fuzzies started floating around in the car and it got all over my dress and the more I kept blowing the tissue fuzzies the more they kept clinging onto my almost three hundred dollar outfit!  And I caught a sneezing attack!!!

(she pouts as if reliving the drama)

I kept yelling at him to open the window, open the window, so he does, but he does as he begins driving and I wasn’t done wiping the dog drool off of my hand so it slapped me across my chin and now I had this disgusting, vile, gross, (she gags) dog (she gags) liquid on my face and it rolled down my neck and into my bra and I started crying, so my make-up began to smear down my cheeks and we DIDN’T EVEN GET OFF MY BLOCK and I was a complete and utter disaster!!!

I made him pull over.  I got out of the car with such anger and force that I slipped and broke my heel, landing right on my butt and then I REALLY started bawling because I landed on pebbles and I felt them dig themselves in my butt cheeks and I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to have pebble imprints on my arse and I was so unhappy and miserable and beside myself at this point. 

I told him to take me home, that I couldn’t go out.  My stockings were torn.  My hair was all tangled from sweating because of the drama and I was just a tormented soul.

I ended up walking up my block and back home.  I slammed the door on his face and cried my eyes out for about twenty minutes before diving into a pool of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge.  I put on Casablanca and cried even more!  I am a hopeless romantic…