“As Fate Would Have You” (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy SHANNON CLARK 

Monologue Description: “As Fate Would Have You” is a serio-comedy piece of the absurd. 

Character Description: In this monologue,  Tim speaks to his friend down at MaxFish on Ludlow Street in Manhattan.  He explains how he had a crazy experience with his black leather chair while writing a story.

Both men are in their early twenties, talking about art, while getting drunk at the bar.

TIM: 

I got into a fist fight with my chair last night.  My black leather chair.  That’s how I got my black eye.  You see?

[points to his black eye]

He got me good.  Caught me with a right hook that came flying out of nowhere.  I didn’t see it coming but damn did it sting.

[beat]

I was sitting down typing out another one of my stories and  I was bouncing around alot in the chair because of the momentum I had going with my writing.  Then I felt a nudge.  A push from my rear.  And then another push and then another…

[beat]

I stood straight up and spun around and the back part of the chair, the part you rest your back against, had a gigantic mouth with black sharp teeth.  I jumped back.  I didn’t know what to make of it.  I was completely startled. 

[beat]

(lights a Hav-A-Tampa filtered cigar)

The chair stood up and I remained still, even though I was shaking on the inside.  Then the chair spoke and it had such a deep resonating voice, it was like a Freddy Kruger type voice.

(imitates voice)

“YOU FUCKING WITH ME KID?”

That is exactly what the chair said to me.  I said, “NO!” 

And with that the chair growled and sighed all in one breath and charged me.  All I could do was react and I was throwing fists with my black leather chair.  Than as we’re fighting one another, all of the other objects in my living room, began cheering the fight.  Some had my back and others were rooting for the black leather chair. 

For example, the laptop, my writing laptop turned against me.  It was cheering on the chair.  I was so upset by this, I mean, how many hours have I spent typing away on my computer.  I thought we shared a special bond.  I always felt close to my laptop, like it was an extension of my soul but as it turns out or as fate would have you, the laptop was closer to the chair.

Bastards.

This fight went on for about a good five minutes and in fight time that feels like an eternity.  But I have to admit that the chair took me.  I guess it was stronger from holding me up all the time.  But it kicked my ass.  Knocked me out.  I woke up around four thirty in the morning. 

I was sore all over and everything was restored, back to normal.   My chair was in the right spot, my laptop was in the right spot.  The couch, my t.v, my mac, my lamps…everything was…STILL.

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