“Magic Genie” (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy LOOKING GLASS 

Monologue Description: “Magic Genie” is about being NICE, NICE, NICE.

Character Description: In this monologue,  Dave is hanging out with his boy George.  During their little get together, Dave receives a phone call from his wife, explaining to him that she is at the sneaker store and she will be home soon.  Dave asks his wife to pick him up a pair of sneakers but this results into an argument when she doesn’t like the way he asks her.  The following monologue begins just as he gives her a final word and slams the phone on her.

DAVE:

YOU BITCH! 

[slams the phone]

I’ve fucking had it with her!  That bitch!  After everything I ever did for her.  That’s the thanks I get.  That bitch!  She will make me lose my Goddamn mind yet.  I just want to take a gun and blow—Eh, I shouldn’t talk that way but, AWWWWW—DAMN IT!  She just makes me insane!

She knows it to.  It’s what ALL women do.  They are designed to make the man lose his mind.  DON’T get fucking married George, whatever you do, PLEASE, don’t get married.  There’s still hope for you.  You don’t need to put up with this shit.  Do you see all the bullshit I go through?  All I asked her was to buy me a pair of sneakers.  That’s it.  She was already at the Goddamn store, she knows what size shoe I am, she knows what color and style I like;  what’s the problem?

SELFISH.  She is a selfish, cold hearted witch!  Just a simple pair of sneakers.  Maybe one or two isles away from wherever she was in the store.  Probably take her no more than two minutes!  But nah, too big a deal for her.  It’s always to big a deal for her George.

I slave for her.  Look at these hands.  Do you see these hands.  I can’t tell you how many times I have ripped my hands open wide.  SUFFER!  I don’t say a word.  Never have, never will.  When I come home, I don’t get a hot plate, I get frozen leftovers from take out food.  God forbid she cooks one time for me, God forbid.  My hands, my hands, I’ll come home and she will see me wince in the kitchen in pain as I run my palms and fingers uner the faucet.  She’ll look over if she happens to be in the kitchen and she won’t make any effort whatsoever—-

[telephone rings]

Hello?  Yeah!  I got nerve?  YOU got nerve!  What does it take to pick me up a pair of sneakers?  It would have taken you five minutes, FIVE FUCKING MINUTES to do that for me.  I don’t have the time; if I had the time, do you think I would ask you, knowing that you would tell me no; dealing with this aggrivating bullshit?  Huh?  WHAT?!

[beat]

You know…[sighs] [shakes his head form side to side] Why do you have to do that shit to me?  Why?  You know, you could have just gotten the fucking sneakers babe.  Honestly.  Now, you tell me you got them, after all this shouting and arguing and nonsene, when all you had to do was just grab them for me. 

How I ask you?  What the hell are you talking about, how I ask you?  I asked you as if you were fucking Santa Claus or better yet a Magic Genie.  Oh, I am not trying to charm you, because if you were my magic genie, I’d still be rubbing the lamp—indefinitely! 

Liten, listen, listen….shhh!—LISTEN!, STOP!, SHHHH!,  SHHHHHUT UUUUP!  Can we, can we just, can we just forget, can we just, LET ME TALK!  CAN–WE–JUST–FORGET–IT–PLEASE?!

Well, I don’t like how I have to beg all the time.  Fine.  Listen, from now on I will talk to you like you are a dying Grandmother.  Okay?  And when I do that, don’t start your shit about how I am acting TOO NICE.  Don’t throw that curve ball my way because then I will throw myself off the roof, head first, right smack on the Goddamn pavement.

Is it a deal?  I’ll be nice and you be nice and together we will both be extremely fucking nice because we are nice and nice people do nice things because it’s so fucking NICE, NICE, NICE…so there, NOW we are, NICE?

GREAT!  Thank you for getting my sneakers.  Did you get the right size?  Did you, did you get them—CAN YOU LOWER THE CAR MUSIC?  I can’t hear you!  [sighs]  I just want to know if you got them in white?  No white?  What color?  BLUE?! 

…Nothing’s wrong, blue is great hon….look, let me go cause I have Georgie over and—YEAH. who care’s if he hears us argue?  He’s in the bathroom taking a shit anyway, so don’t worry about it.  He’s not even in the room.

[he nods at his friend and puts his index finger over his lips, giving George the "be quiet" sign]

Listen, I’ll see you when you get here, okay?  How long?  Okay.

[he hangs up the phone]

BLUE sneakers!!!  She gets me blue fucking sneakers George.  She knows I hate the color blue.  She’s been married to me for God knows how many years and she knows I hate blue with a passion.  Blue isn’t my color.  I look horrible in blue.  It’s spite work!  She did that out of spite—

[phone rings]

HELLO?!  Why are you laughing?  What?  Huh?  You got them in white?  Why did you tell me blue?  Oh yeah?  To tease me?  Well do you feel better?  Did I make your day?  Yeah? 

[he hangs up the phone]

I’m gonna have a heart attack and be done with it all.  Watch.  When she wants me to paint the house twenty years from now, I’m going to fuck her day up real good.