“BAD MEMORIES FOR MURRAY” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy BJORN SODERQVIST 

Monologue Description: “BAD MEMORIES FOR MURRAY” is a comedy about old friends.

Character Description: In this monologue, Murray is excited to see his long time friend after twelve years.  His wife Helen is preparing dinner in the kitchen.  What begins as a great reunion, soon turns into a reminder of bad memories for Murray.  Murray is a middle aged man who is short, balding and pudgy.  Stanley, is tall, dark and handsome.  Helen is a take back to your house wife from the fifties…one would also say the mother from The Brady Bunch type.

MURRAY: 

[excitedly]  STANLEY!  Ha HAAAAAAA!  How the hell are ya?!  [hugging and kissing stanley on the cheek]  My God, you look great!  Ha HAAAAA!  Jes’, I can’t remem—when was it, was it ten, fifteen, no…exactly TWELVE years ago, we saw one another last?!  Ha HAAAA!  [hugs Stanley]  My God, you look great pal, you look great.  Ha HAAAA!  [hugs Stanley]  You haven’t changed a bit you son of a bitch!  Look at me, bald, fat and still useless.  I’m only kidding about the useless part but YOU, you, what the hell have you been doing?  Wow!  You age like wine, what is your sec—all tan, been working out?  Unbelievable!  You look exactly the same but improved, I can’t believe it!  I can’t get over it!  Eh, let me shut up, sit down, sit down…

[to his wife HELEN]

Hel, HELEN!  Hey Stanleys here, Stanley just got here honey, come inside, come inside.

[quick beat]

Helen, this is Stanley, Stanley this is my wife, Helen.  Helen honey, this is the man that saved my life twenty years ago, when we were coming home from, well, I was coming home from soccer practice and I took a short cut through an alleyway and I was jumped by five guys and STAN here, he happened to be passing by and he saw me fighting by my lonesome…I had two guys pinning me up against a fence, while a third continued to punch me in my stomach and still TWO MORE watched and chuckled…YOU KNOW THE STORY!  He came out of no where, you should have seen him, DROP KICKED one guy and punched the other, freed me up and we both threw a few more rabbit punches and then ran off!!!  That very day we became best friends…God, he saved my ass!  Ha HAAAA!!!  [hugs Stanley]

[to Helen]

How’s dinner coming sweetheart?  Do you need help with anything?  Oh, okay, thanks honey.

[to Stanley]

Sure!  Sure Stanley, no problem, I can imagine after your drive.  The bathroom is down that hallway, second door to your left.  You can’t miss it. 

[Stanley leaves.  Murray turns to his wife]

[vehemently] That bastard!  Did you see the way he was looking at you?!  All googly eyed!  Boy, I oughta—just like the old days—boy he hasn’t changed alright—stole Heather Schumacher from me AND dozens of other girls.  He was a PIG, an absolute THIEF in the night.  God!  You are my wife Helen, he should have some common decency.  A man should never idolize another man’s wife.  Ridiculous!  You didn’t see that?  You didn’t notice the way his EYES WERE BEAMING at you as if you were the Blessed Mother Mary.  Jes’!  I oughta sock him in the nutsack for all them times he—for looking at you the—[toilet is heard flushing]  Oh, hear he comes, [sighs] never mind!  Is dinner almost ready?   GOOD.  Let’s eat fast and get him the hell out of here.  I want you to play the sick role.  PLEASE!  After we eat, just act like you are getting sickly.  [beat]  Helen, please, just make believe—

[Helen goes back into the kithen in disgust]

[to Stanley]

Hey Stan the Man.  Oh, you like the smell in the bathroom?  Ha HAAAA!  That’s my wife, she loves all those good smelling candles.  I sometimes complain that it’s a bit much.  Sometimes I get dizzy spells.  Sit down, sit down…LET’S CATCH UP ON OLD TIMES! 

YOU HUNGRY?!