“FIRE STENCH” (comedy) 1 Minute

Photo Courtesy BARBARA L. SLAVIN

Monologue Description: “FIRE STENCH” is a comedy about having a girlfriend with bad breath.

Character Description: In this monologue, Ray is talking close up with his girl, when he gets hit with bad breath, AGAIN.  He finally tells her that it’s been haunting him.

RAY:

Wow, again!  How come everytime I talk to you, you have breath?!  No, I’m serious…come on.  Breathe over there, talk over there, I don’t know what the hell it is but you’re killing me.  What did you eat today?  You didn’t eat yet?  Oh man, that’s worse!  That means that’s coming from your insides and—DID you brush your teeth today?  Well, how do you brush, up and down, or circles?  Do you do your tongue and get all the way back there???

Jesus, I mean, no, not for nothing baby but damn.  How am I supposed to kiss you like that?  For like the past month now it’s like you have shit breath.  It’s nasty.  I don’t mean to embarrass you but how much can I take?  It’s like kissing a dogs asshole, if you want to know the truth.  I’m starting to get images of dog ass, when I kiss you.  No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know that’s harsh but your breath has been harsher!

My fucking eyes are beginning to tear.  Jesus!  Honey, PLEASE, PLEASE do something about that.  I know I sound mean but baby—you know what it reminds me of?  It reminds me of like when you go into an old age home sort of…like that old lady smell.  You know that old lady smell Grandmas get?  Yeah, LIKE THAT! 

Go brush your teeth again, eat something and maybe you should see a doctor baby?  No, really.  I’ll go with you.  You might have something going on.  Nah, for like the past month, you’ve been throwing beatings.  Whenever we talk or kiss, it’s like fire stench.  I could think of some other terms but I think you’re mad enough at me.  hahahaha.

I’m sorry baby, give me a kiss…NO WAIT!  WAIT!  Go brush your teeth first.  hahahaha.  And make sure you scrub that tongue before you kill somebody.  Holy shit!  WOW!!!!