“DATING, BREASTS AND BRAINS” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Kick Ass Photo By MORIZA

Monologue Description: “DATING, BREASTS AND BRAINS” is a comedy about the dating life.

Character Description: In this monologue, Katie talks some sense into her friend about the man she has been dating and how it is best that they split up.

KATIE:

When I get depressed I eat…Just eat desserts left and right.  It’s the best healer.  FOOD!  Oh shit!  Okay, enough! 

(Kelly starts to cry)

You know, I can’t believe he diiiid that!  Keeeeellllyyyy.  Oh, my poor, poor, sweet, sweet KELLY.  Taaaa, awwwww.  Don’t cry baby face…Noooo, don’t cry…LISTEN, you know what this means?  Huh?  Do you know what this means?!  This means that we will just become GAY.  Forget men!  Forget them all!  Let’s have lesbian fun.  We can start with eachother.  You think I’m hot right?  hahaha

Seriously, he is a real son of a bitch, let me tell you.  I never liked him to begin with.  Just the way he smiled.  You know, that smirk that he always had on his face.  I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to smack the smirk right off if his face.  It was like he knew a secret and didn’t want to tell anyone.  You know?  SO DEVIOUS!  I don’t know how you put up—well, I hope you’re not mad at me for saying this stuff to you.  I mean, you’re my girl and all and I know you really cared about him but let’s face the facts, he was a real ASS.  He was!  He was!  No apologies.  I am just thankful that you realize it now, that’s all.  Sometimes it takes time, love is blind as they say…you know.

Thank God.  Really.  Hughgh!  hahaha.  Don’t worry about it.  He’s a loser and your hot.  You are a sexy bitch, you sexy bitch.  If I was a man I would be all over you.  Look at that ass of yours.  That ass alone gives men whiplash.  And those breasts!  God, what I would do for a pair of those.  hahaha.  I’m saving my money.  Once I have enough doe, you know where my ass is going…STRAIGHT TO THE SURGEON MAN.  Slap those double D’s in pal,  right here, right now….WHAMMO!!!  My ass is okay, I got an average ass and let’s face it, my tits…it’s like, where are the tits?  I gotta plump these puppies up.  Maybe double D’s are too much…yeah, your right.  There too much.  I’ll go smaller but as long as I know they are there.  I mean, look at me, it’s like walking around with a cooking board as a chest.  Horrible.

My point is, you have it all.  Ass, tits…curves and the most important thing of all….BRAINS.  You are an intelligent young lady.  There are men out there who are looking for you, right now as I speak.  They are wandering around the streets of this city, asking, “Where’s Kelly?  Kelly?  Oh Kelly?  Where art though my Kelly?”  hahaha

You will see.  You are gonna be fine.  Let’s go out this weekend.  I actually think I have somebody I can introduce you to.  Listen, I know you aren’t looking for a relationship right now but this guy I want you to meet is fucking gorgeous with a capital g and if you have a one night stand so he can fuck your brains out…DO IT!  You will feel great there after and you won’t even think about whatever what’s his names name was.  Okay? 

Cool!  I’ll set it up girl! 

(high fives her) 

Maybe I should consider ass implants too…

“BUD” (comedy) Under 1 Minute

Photo Courtesy PESCATELLO

Monologue Description:  “BUD” a comedy about a deranged man’s point of view. 

Character Description: In this monologue, Bud talks to his friend about his day at the beach.

BUD: 

(drinking his beer)

Now, let me begin.  Today I was at the beach, right?  And what do I see other than hot girls that I wanna fuck, I see guys that think they are God’s gift to women.  You know those guys who workout at the gym day and night and smell like a giant foot.  Those guys.  Anyways, I’m sitting on the beach, eating my hot dog, drinking my beer and admiring my gut when this muscle bound fag comes over to me and asks me if I want to join a gym.  Turns out he is a trainer and this is how he picks up clients.  I told him I was happy being a bald, fat, heart attack prone man and to leave me alone before I whip out my prick and embarrass him.  Then I went on to tell him how my wife loves to hold onto my love handles when I’m pounding the shit out of her in my king size bed.  The guy got the message and I went for a swim.

“ABSOLUTE SHIT” (serio-comedy) 3 Minutes

Photo Courtesy PATRICK DE LAIVE 

Monologue Description:  “ABSOLUTE SHIT” is serio-comedy of having a crappy morning.

Character Description: In this monologue, Roscoe tells his girlfriend about the morning he had.

ROSCOE:

Woke up today and felt like absolute shit.  Somehow using the word ABSOLUTE makes it MORE serious.  Actually, it was last night that I began feeling like shit, and this morning it became absolute shit.  Last night, I thought it was allergies, you know.  God forbid I have normal fucking allergies, oh no.  My allergies are the kind of allergies where the world is coming to an end.  That’s right.  My allergies give me hot flashes, fevers.  What is hot flashes?  It’s when you feel HOT all over your fucking body…your neck, your cheeks, your forehead..all in that area…anyway. 

I started having hot flashes last night.  Than I got the runny nose.  So I stuffed a paper towel ball in my nostril and just let the liquid soak into the towel and that was that…I didn’t have to keep grabbing a Kleenex every two point five minutes after a good hard blow.  By the way, when I blow my nose, it is like a fucking trumpet…I could play for a band…a trumpet band.

Now its time for bed and I grab more paper towels and—I like to sleep on my stomach so, having a runny nose and sleeping on your stomach don’t go together.  So what I like to do when it comes time for sleep time, I grab a bunch of paper towels and I stuff them under my runny nose, so as not to get them on my pillow and also to allow the constant leakage to keep leaking the fuck out.And I went to bed.  Yippy skippy. 

There’s a term we should all bring back when something good happens to us.  Like when you get laid, just jump in the air and yell, YIPPY SKIPPY!  Or when it comes time fro payday and you get your check from work, just yell…YIPPY SKIPPY!  Or when you go to get your crack vile from your drug dealer, you could yell, YIPPY SKIPPY!

So I get through the night and I wake up in the morning and at first I am okay…until I move.  You know that morning stretch we all take…some of us let out a little..AHHHHHH while we’re stretching and somehow the AHHHHH makes the stretch feel more enjoyable.  I challenge you to not use the AHHHHH the next time you give yourself a morning stretch…I guarantee you, your day will be fucked up from that point in time.  Somehow the AHHHHH makes the day go better.

After my initial AHHHHH, I realized I was not happy.  I was not happy because I discovered that I had a stiff fucking neck.  But wait!  It wasn’t your average stiff neck.  Somehow I managed to provide for myself a stiff neck on BOTH sides of my fucking neck.  So when I got up out of bed,  I walked like Frankenstein. 

So not only am I paralyzed completely around my neck, not only is liquid still leaking out of my nose and ears and eyes.  But the genius in me decides to go and grab a snack.  Yes, I was still hungry despite my pains.But I don’t go for the normal breakfast…I go for the quick snack.  I got for…PRETZEL CRISPS.  You know, those really thin layered pretzels with the sharp edges…those. 

I wouldn’t suggest eating them in the morning with Frankenstein neck.  Here’s why…I dipped my hand in the bag and popped a handful in my mouth and low and behold, it was painful to swallow…I didn’t know it would be but when I attempted the swallow I felt the rush of pain and when I felt the rush of fucking pain, I froze and when I froze, the pretzel crisp froze in my throat and I began choking in my living room. 

I’m choking and choking and choking and choking and doing little three sixty turns this way and that way and I find a piece of furniture to give the last few slaps of life to it but the miracle took place.  The food went down.  The food barely went down.  Somehow I magically had enough saliva in my throat to push the pretzel crisps down and as they were making there way down to my belly, I mean every inch of the way…they cut and sliced and diced my insides.

Just then my phone rings and it is my mother.  Whom, on this very day, I was going to visit and whom on this very day I was not capable of going to see.  I answer the phone, seconds after I almost died from  Pretzel Crisps and told my mother that I wasn’t coming over.Obviously she made me feel like even more shit…emotional shit…hung up on me and that is when I reached the point of feeling like ABSOLUTE SHIT!

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