“DATING, BREASTS AND BRAINS” (comedy) 2 Minutes

April 30, 2008 by The Monologue Blogger

Filed under 2 Minute Monologues, Female Monologues - Comedy, MB Library

Kick Ass Photo By MORIZA

Monologue Description: “DATING, BREASTS AND BRAINS” is a comedy about the dating life.

Character Description: In this monologue, Katie talks some sense into her friend about the man she has been dating and how it is best that they split up.

KATIE:

When I get depressed I eat…Just eat desserts left and right. It’s the best healer. FOOD! Oh shit! Okay, enough!

(Kelly starts to cry)

You know, I can’t believe he diiiid that! Keeeeellllyyyy. Oh, my poor, poor, sweet, sweet KELLY. Taaaa, awwwww. Don’t cry baby face…Noooo, don’t cry…LISTEN, you know what this means? Huh? Do you know what this means?! This means that we will just become GAY. Forget men! Forget them all! Let’s have lesbian fun. We can start with eachother. You think I’m hot right? hahaha

Seriously, he is a real son of a bitch, let me tell you. I never liked him to begin with. Just the way he smiled. You know, that smirk that he always had on his face. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to smack the smirk right off if his face. It was like he knew a secret and didn’t want to tell anyone. You know? SO DEVIOUS! I don’t know how you put up—well, I hope you’re not mad at me for saying this stuff to you. I mean, you’re my girl and all and I know you really cared about him but let’s face the facts, he was a real ASS. He was! He was! No apologies. I am just thankful that you realize it now, that’s all. Sometimes it takes time, love is blind as they say…you know.

Thank God. Really. Hughgh! hahaha. Don’t worry about it. He’s a loser and your hot. You are a sexy bitch, you sexy bitch. If I was a man I would be all over you. Look at that ass of yours. That ass alone gives men whiplash. And those breasts! God, what I would do for a pair of those. hahaha. I’m saving my money. Once I have enough doe, you know where my ass is going…STRAIGHT TO THE SURGEON MAN. Slap those double D’s in pal, right here, right now….WHAMMO!!! My ass is okay, I got an average ass and let’s face it, my tits…it’s like, where are the tits? I gotta plump these puppies up. Maybe double D’s are too much…yeah, your right. There too much. I’ll go smaller but as long as I know they are there. I mean, look at me, it’s like walking around with a cooking board as a chest. Horrible.

My point is, you have it all. Ass, tits…curves and the most important thing of all….BRAINS. You are an intelligent young lady. There are men out there who are looking for you, right now as I speak. They are wandering around the streets of this city, asking, “Where’s Kelly? Kelly? Oh Kelly? Where art though my Kelly?” hahaha

You will see. You are gonna be fine. Let’s go out this weekend. I actually think I have somebody I can introduce you to. Listen, I know you aren’t looking for a relationship right now but this guy I want you to meet is fucking gorgeous with a capital g and if you have a one night stand so he can fuck your brains out…DO IT! You will feel great there after and you won’t even think about whatever what’s his names name was. Okay?

Cool! I’ll set it up girl!

(high fives her)

Maybe I should consider ass implants too…