“IT’S ABOUT ME!” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Character Description:  In this monologue, Stephanie goes on a rant about how The Monologue Blogger writes monologues about her.   

STEPHANIE: 

Oh yeah, it’s true.  It’s true!  It’s true!  I read his monologues.  I know!  I know they are all about me.  They are!  I have added up to 142 monologues and they are ALL about me.  What about the one when he talks about the woman with the crooked eye?  ME!  That’s me!  I have a crooked eye.  Or what about the one when he talks about a girl walking into a stop sign?  ME!  Right here!  ME!  Or what about the one when he talks about the aliens living inside the woman’s brain?  ME AGAIN!  Yeah.  What about, what about, what about the one where the woman craps her pants?  YEAH!  That happened to me!  I’ve crapped my pants…MANY TIMES.  But here’s the thing.  HOW DOES HE KNOW?  How does he know to write about me?  I never met this man in all my life!  EVERYTHING he writes!  It’s all in there…SOMEWHERE and I just want to know HOW. 

Then there’s a monologue he wrote when he tells the story of a farmer who makes out with his cow..ME!  That’s my Uncle BO BO.  He loved making out with his cow.  Or Aunt Helen, who was addicted to setting fire to the horses tails.  Or Grandpa Winster who always walked around the house naked.  ME!  He writes about my family!  About me!  

When I was in the ninth grade I was caught picking my nose and wiping it on the wall, okay?  I tried to conceal it but I was caught.  I’m not proud of it but it’s true.  He wrote about that!  How did he know I did that?  He never went to my high school. 

That isn’t art, that isn’t talent, that isn’t writing.  Writing is supposed to come from a make believe place.  You’re supposed to make up stuff.  You know?  Like, use your imagination and stuff.  Like in the movies or something or t.v!  Not use REAL names, REAL people, REAL places, REAL situations…NOT TELL THE TRUTH.  Art is supposed to be fake.  Am I right?  Right? Did you read the one when he talks about his girlfriend’s “you know what”, smelling like goat cheese?  Or his mother, when she became the world’s champion arm wrestler?  Or his three brothers, who all moved to Hawaii?  Or his Dog Trixie, who was gay?  Did you?!  He’s insane.  A luny.  A crackpot!  A menace to society.  I can’t believe this bastard has an audience of people who go to his site everyday and read his GOOFY, WARTY, SEXY and BULLSHIT MONOLOGUES is what they are.  That’s right.  BULLSHIT MONOLOGUES!!!   The Monologue Blogger is a no good slime ball, who is just slimy and full of slime because he is sticky like slime and slimy like slime and he’s just so SLIMEY!!!  He sucks!  He is an evil man!  Writing about everybody he knows.  You know, if people knew I crapped my pants often, they would know those stories are about me!  If people knew about Uncle BO BO, getting it on with his cow, people would know it was me!   He’s probably somewhere in this room, HIDING…listening to all my words so he can write another monologue.  I wouldn’t be surprised if THIS rant is in one of his crappy pants monologues or whatever. 

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