“BIRD IN MY ASS” - Part 2 (comedy) 2 Minutes

Monologue Description: “Bird In My Ass”  is a comedy about a man experiencing something that seems to never have been experienced before unwilling.  This is a farce written as if something such as a bird flying in your butt could actually happen.  What if?

Character Description: In this monologue, Frederick bluntly, casually and seriously tells the story of how a bird flew up his ass, while reading the morning paper in Central Park.  He tells his tale to a neighbor whom he bumps into, upon coming back from emergency surgery.  This is Frederick’s SECOND encounter with his little birdy friend.

FREDERICK: 

I was sitting down at my usual spot in Central Park—at my usual, comfortable bench.  Then it happened.  I saw him.  My little friend was back.  Remember the story I told you?  The one when the tiny bird flew up and in my ass?  Yeah?  Okay, well…as it turns out…he came back for a second visit.

I was reading my newspaper, as I usually do, minding my own business.  It was a glorious day outside and I first stopped off at the deli to grab my tea and paper and then I sat down quietly, happily on my favorite bench.

I’d say, oh, about ten or fifteen minutes into my routine, my eyes caught the first sight of him.  At first, I wasn’t exactly sure that it was him but upon closer inspection, I realized it most certainly was. 

As soon as he and I met eyes, my butt cheeks clenched.  I guess you can call it instinct but then, then the tiny creature swooped down…FOR ME.  But this time, this time I was determined not to let him fly in my ass.

I got up and ran…shouting and screaming my head off…I used the newspaper to cover my ass.  The bird came down like a missile heading for its target.  I saw this.  Just as he was about to dive in my ass, I swatted him with the newspaper but he veered left and swooped back up and out of my swing.

I kept running, shouting and screaming obscenities to anyone that would rescue me.  I saw a bike.  A kid, was riding it but due to my uncontrollable panic, I knocked the child from his bike and stole the bike.  I know, I never dreamed in a million years would I ever do such an act but I had no choice you see…for there was a vicious bird circling the sky about to plummet his beak inside my ass, once again.

I took off on the bike but only got about twenty feet before crashing into a tree.  It’s been quite some time since I last rode a bicycle.  BUT, I tried my best.  I landed hard on the pavement, almost knocking myself out and it was then, then that the bird saw me at a weak moment and lunged forth, spiraling downward and burying himself deep inside my ass!

I was astounded!  Shocked!  Stunned!  Mortified!  Pissed! 

I rose up and ran to the hospital.  All the way…when I got there I yelled on the top of my lungs, “THE BIRD IS BACK IN MY ASS!!!”  I was extremely frustrated by this point.  The doctors took me again, instantly and again, they performed the same miracle—taking the bird out from my ass and bringing him out, unharmed…He jumped out of the doctors hand and flew off.

Unbelievable.  I am making arrangements for my next visit to my Central Park bench.  I have some ideas.  Revenge…will be mine…

BIRD IN MY ASS - PART 1