“NO LUCK WITH MEN” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Photo By JLEE 20

Monologue Description: “NO LUCK WITH MEN” is a comedy about a first date with a little bit of interference.

Character Description: In this monologue, Elizabeth shares her first date with her best friend. She explains to her how she battled a white head on the man’s face, who took her out Friday night.

ELIZABETH:

I have NO LUCK with men. I honestly think I am a pin up girl for horrible first dates. I have to have the record. I have too! Uhhhh, I went out on yet another fabulous date this past Friday and yet again, it was a truly wonderful experience. Are you even tired of hearing my stories yet? Are you?

(sighs)

You know, he is a really cute guy and he has a really cool personality and everything and I’m really trying to look past….

(sighs)

He picks me up at my place and as soon as I swing open my front door, my eyes land right on this enormous white head…WHERE? On his cheek, staring at me, saying “HELLO ELIZABETH, HOW ARE YOU?” Smiling at me. I mean, look, I know the damn white head wasn’t smiling at me okay…but ZAMMO, it was all I saw.

So, he asks if he could use my bathroom and I was more than excited to show him where my bathroom was. Perhaps too excited…I WALKED him right to the door of the bathroom and I kind of kept scratching my cheek to kind of you know, hope that he would catch on or something…I don’t know, I know it was stupid but whatever, I figured it was worth a shot–hoping it would trigger his own awareness of his white head.

Five minutes go by and I am relieved in thinking that if he is in my bathroom for that long, he must be performing surgery on that dangling white head. I hear the toilet flush and out he comes and I kid you not, the damn thing was on his face and it was even bigger than before. No, seriously, I’m not trying to be funny. It grew slightly.

(sighs)

So we leave my place and I pretend to drop my keys. When he bent down to pick them up for me, I pushed myself into him in order to try and pop the zit. I gave him a kind of, light elbow tap in his cheek. I gave him the whole, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to bump into you, I tripped routine!”. When he stood back up and handed me my keys, the white head was still there but I could clearly see that I aggravated it because a light color pink began circling around it.

FAST FORWARD into the night. We had dinner, we went dancing and now we are just chilling out, having drinks at some Hooca Lounge. I’m feeling good, I have a few drinks in me and I could tell he’s feeling good too. So he begins leaning in on me, real close and normally I wouldn’t mind because like I said, he’s really cute and I like his personality but I wasn’t into it because his white head was screaming vulgarities at me. My mind started playing tricks on me. It was like, “LOOK AT ME ELIZABETH…LOOK AT ME…I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND…LICK ME ELIZABETH…LICK ME!” I know, I know. Gross but by this point in the night I was having wild thoughts. I was obsessed with this thing.

I made another attempt at popping it. I did, I did. I couldn’t help myself. I took the end of the hooca and I jabbed him dead in his face, directly into the white head AND I SUCCEEDED IN POPPING IT!!!!

I watched it explode and I was like, “YEAH!!!!!” He moaned in pain and was like, “Ah, ah, what the hell was that, ah, AH, ah, AH!” I was like, “Oh my, I my Go—did I, oh boy, did I just…I AM SO SORRY!”

He went to the bathroom and cleaned up and I was great. I felt victorious! I achieved my nights purpose! The rest of the night was great and I was actually able to enjoy his company.