“PROUD OF ME?” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Photo By KR. B

Monologue Description: “PROUD OF ME?” is a comedy…yeah.

Character Description: In this monologue, Pierce is an actor and he uses his “overdramatic” acting skills to fuck with his girlfriend. He takes great pleasure in abusing his talents in order to play practical jokes on his friends, family and especially his current girlfriend. The following monologue comes about after Pierce’s girlfriend tells him how proud she is of him. He has been “acting” depressed without her realizing and he performs this deliberate monologue in order to see how much she love’s him. His girlfriend’s name is Kila.

PIERCE:

I’m the leader, the boss, the man,the guy, the most powerful, the lion of all men, the king, the pimp, the most admired!!!!!

(breaks down sobbing in “acting” tears)

Proud of me? You are proud of me? What the hell have I ever done in my life that constitute’s any reason whatsoever for you to say that to me? Why?! Because I am depressed?!

LOOK AT ME!!!

I sit here, struggling with THIS thing that lives inside me. This wisdom of life…..awwww I’m tired of it, I’m going to make my exit…

(he takes a gun and puts it to his head)

Don’t move towards me because I will do it..I mean, I plan on doing it but I just need a second to, you know, work up the nerve, the courage to actually pull-the-trigger—

(as a matter of factly)

Let me just take a few deep breaths for dramatic purposes and then, then I am going to pop one of these fine silver bullets in my noodle. Right in my spaghetti. That sounds a bit dumb but when you are suicidal, you don’t really make sense now, do ya? Ooookay….back to killing myself…here goes it…wait, I don’t want my final words to be “here goes it”. That’s kind of lame, isn’t it? I am so much cooler than that man….hmmm, let me think, since I have the choice to actually choose my own words, I might as well choose something kick ass.

(to his girlfriend who takes a step forward)

I AM SERIOUS, STAND BACK KILA!!!

Should I say something poetic like, “Remember me for how I lived” or nah,nahhh, that blows…shit, maybe I’m not that cool. What if I do the whole “I love everybody” thing. But then there’s no video camera set up or anything and you, since you’re obviously against the whole blowing my brains out kind of thing, you probably would be a bitter bitch and not tell anyone what my last words actually were….would you?

WHATEVER! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!

(he puts the gun to his head and gets ready to pull the trigger)

AHHHHHHHHHHH—okay, can’t do it. Can’t do it. I guess I have to live this mortal existence out to the bitter end…you wanna go grab some chow, I’m starved and maybe we can catch a movie…something fucking hilarious..let’s go. I’ll be downstairs…hurry!

WASSSAAAAAPPPPP!!!!!

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