“THE RETURN OF CHEWBACCA” (comedy) 1 Minute

Monologue Description: “THE RETURN OF CHEWBACCA” is a comedy about a woman who has long, hairy nipples.

Character Description: In this monologue, Joe tells his best friend a story in confidence about how he hooked up with Marla, the hot girl from their gym and how he discovered she has hairy nipples.

JOE:

Bro, bro, bro, listen, listen…that girl at the gym, the one I just took out…Marla. Bro, she has a sick body. SICK! But here’s the problem…she has hairy nipples. Now, I’m not talking about one or two hairs that you can pluck. I know a few girls that actually do that. No, Marla has what I would call a bad case of, NIPPLEITIS.

It was dark in my room when we were fooling around on my bed. We were having a great time, we were both a little high from drinking and stuff and we were having some thrills. I was on top of her and I’m doing my thing and she’s reciprocating and I take off her shirt and I start kissing her neck, her chest and then I get to her breast and start sucking on her nipples. At first I coughed up what I thought was a hair ball. You know, when you feel like you have a hair on your tongue? I thought I coughed it out so I proceeded to my business. But then again I felt something in my mouth and this time it was all the way in the back of my throat. And I was like, what the hell is that?

She was quiet but then asked me if I was alright? I told her I was fine, I tried ignoring it. But then when I had my whole mouth around her breast I felt like I was sucking on a monkey’s tit. So I stopped and tried to feel and see what the hell was going on in the dark.

As I was feeling her breast, I worked my way to her nipple and felt long wiggly hairs bro. I gave them a slight tug and they held on to her for dear life. I couldn’t believe it. My heart started pounding!

I asked her, “Do you have hairy nipples?” And she said YES. I jumped up and turned on the light and looked because I couldn’t believe that this beautiful girl with the sickest body has NIPPLEITIS. But as sure as I turned on my bedroom light, I was facing CHEWBACCA BOOBIES man!!!!!

In my mind I heard chewbacca going, (imitates chewbacca) GGGGGGGGLLLLLL GGGGGGGLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

I feaked the fuck out. I was like well, ummm, that’s uh, whew, well…uh…I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!!! She was like, ” I know I am going to a specialist. It has something to do with my hormones.”

I mean, you know, go to the doctor first baby before we dance, is what I said to her bro. I mean, if you want to deliberately turn a guy off, that’s the way to do it!

So, we called it a night and I nicknamed her Chewie. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!