“CRAZY SEXUAL PLEASURE” (serio-comedy) 3 Minutes or so…

December 11, 2008 by The Monologue Blogger

Filed under 3 Minute Monologues, MB Library, Male Monologues - Serio/Comic

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Photo Courtesy OXYBORICUA

Monologue Description: “CRAZY SEXUAL PLEASURE” is about a stoner’s story. WAAAZZZAAA!!!!!!

Character Description: In this monologue, STONER BOY is about a guy who likes to smoke pot, chill and babble about shit even he doesn’t know about. =)

STONER BOY:

It tastes like shit bro…it does, it does. Yo, every time I smoke Dan’s weed, it makes me pass out for like three hours at a clip. Okay? I can’t smoke that shit anymore. Not HIS shit, not Dan’s shit. He fucked up my whole month man. I was like trapped inside my apartment for like a month watching life pass me by. I couldn’t do shit bro. I couldn’t do nothing. Everytime I smoked, bahhh!, I was out! I’d wake up feeling okay, a little woozy but okay…and then (smacks his hand) right back to the bat. And then like an hour later I pass out for like another three or four hours man. This went on for a month! I didn’t know what was up!!!

I’d go to work and don’t even remember who the fuck I talked to, how I got there and how I CAME BACK! To make matters worse..I need to go get more contacts. I’ve had the same pair for like seven months bro. Okay? I can only wear them like five hours a pop because then they start irritating me. You know? Like, I think you’re supposed to switch to new eye contacts every two weeks or something and my shit is in its seventh month, THE SAME PAIR, so you know, I gotta make time to hit up the doctor.

What’s my point? My POINT is that Dan’s weed, combined with terrible contacts combined with getting sick…I don’t know what the fuck I had…first the flu and then some weird head cold type shit that would just stay in my head for days and days and days and never leave me. I had a head cold for like two weeks bro. TWO WEEKS!!! Of sniffling, and coughing, and wheezing, and eye snot…SWOLLEN EYES…DUDE!!! DUDE!!! DUDE!!! DUDE!!!! My eyes were fucking three times the size man! THREE TIMES the size, MAN! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahhhhh…yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I looked like a monster bro. I had BAGS under my eyes man. BAGS! Like, three fucking layers of thick water bags that just made me look like a ninety year old who just came out of eye surgery or some shit..I looked wack! WACKED!!!

(pause) (he smokes from a bowl)

Did I tell you about VIOLET?! You know Violet right? The one I told you I picked up over from Golden Krust bro? The hot black girl from London? YEAH man! YEAH, yeah, yea, yea. HER! Anyway, she makes the cutest noise when I’m inside of her bro. Like a high pitched Ewok from star wars…like a (he imitates the noise the girl makes while having sex) EEEEE EEEEE EEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(beat)

Okay, I admit that was just really weird. Violet, doesn’t look like an ewok and I’m not so sure why the sound of a high pitched ewok is cute to me…maybe I used the wrong analogy.

(clears his throat) So…tell me, you got any sexual stories you wanna share? I mean, I’m always the one talking about his adventures. Is that normal? I mean, am I above the sex bar…do I do crazier shit than most guys do, based on the stories I tell???

(beat)

I am?! Really? I am? I never thought of myself as like, you know, like…I mean, what’s the craziest shit you’ve done to a girl, then? Huh?

Well wait, wait wait….let me ask you…did you ever smack a girl in the face with your cock? You have? You HAVE?! Okay, okay, I wasn’t sure…cause, okay, so that’s not really too crazy then for you? Okay…have you ever fucked a girl in public?

(beat)

Okay, good, good man. Glad you have. Glad. Okay….have you ever fucked a girl in the ass? Huh? I don’t know man…KINDA, kinda doesn’t count g. You either did or you didn’t. I mean, there’s no halfway shit alright? There’s no mushroom peeking and shit. You, you, you either tapped that ass or not. NO?! Okay, no then. But you attempted so that counts though man.

Have you ever…..ahhh, whatever, whatever man…who cares? I’m tired of the topic. I could really give a shit what you’ve done with girls, anyway bro. haha. No offense but it’s true. Anyway, BORED. BORED of it. Whatever, if I’m crazier, I’m crazier. I still don’t see how, but if I’m the chosen one for CRAZY SEXUAL PLEASURE, than FINE, fine…I’ll be that guy…

But yo, listen, listen to me…order some from Reliable Dave….yeah…hahaha..like how I said ORDER? Like it’s a fucking store! hahahaha. Damn, I’m stupid…anyway, call up Reliable and lets get a twenty bag…actually no, no…fuck it…order me a fifty. Let’s get a FIFTY! what? Yeah, I’m sure…get the fifty..oh no, wait, WAIT. Maybe you shouldn’t get the fifty. Dude, wait! Don’t get the fifty cause I got Violet coming over and I want to make sure I have some for her and me. You and I will burn through that shit. So order…oh, wait a second bro…get the fucking fifty. Get the fifty. Get the fifty. Forget. Just get the fifty! Yeah! YEAH, I’m sure. I’m sure. GET THE FIFTY!

We’ll just split everything up later and besides Davey’s shit is way better. He doesn’t knock you out…actually, energizes you…from now on we get from Reliable Dave..no more DAN. Bye bye Dan, bye bye…