“NOT COOL, IS COOL” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy SAID AND DONE

Monologue Description: “NOT COOL” is a comedy about a man who finally faces the reality of growing up.

Character Description: In this monologue, BARRY talks to his best friend AMLIN (woman) during his transition from boy to man.

BARRY:

(he gestures with his hands in preparation of what he is about to say)

….I’ve come to realize that I am no longer cool. There, I said it. I’m not cool. Whew! It actually feels good to say. hahaha. I’m not cool! haha.  I AM NOT COOL!!! Aaaaaahhhhhhh…it’s like a burden has been lifted off my back!

(sighs)

Wow! Who ever thought that admitting the truth, or I should say, owning up to the truth can be so liberating, so freeing?  All the pressure I’ve had on my self all these years…to finally come out and say it. MAN OH MAN! I have not been cool for YEARS! I have—it’s been, jes’, it’s been something like seven years that I’ve not been cool. SEVEN YEARS! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

This is GRRREEAAATTTT! This is so uplifting! What else? What else? Is there anything else? Maybe there isn’t or at least there isn’t anything as big as not being cool. haha.

I’m still acting like I am twenty five years old. DOING things that twenty five year olds do. NEVER growing up! it’s time I grow up. Right?  It’s okay to be a herb. No, no, I’m not trying to be funny…IT IS. It’s okay to be a regular guy. A regular Joe Shmoe. I need to get married! I need to buy a house! I need to have kids! Holy sh–I need to, I need to do this yesterday!

My God, it’s all hitting me at once. No more drugs, no more drinking, no more womanizing…eeeeeeeeeew that’s gonna hurt, the women—that’s a tough one right there.

(clenches his fists)

Okay, okay, the women, no no, YEAH, YEAH…no more. I need to settle down. Settle down, and do what everybody else does. Work a solid nine to fiver, be a family man, attend all the weddings and funerals and whatevers that adult people do…yeah, mow the lawn…start a garden…watch the home cooking network, is there a home cooking network? I’ll stay in bed with my wife and talk about husbandy and wifey thingies…I’ll have a catch with my son. HECK, TWO sons…why not, why not? A daughter…just one cause I don’t want to deal with–well, no, my wife…eh, whatever, as many children as long as they are healthy, right? OKAY, OOOOOOOOOOOKAY, this is great, this is better than great…this is FABULOUS! That’s me, THIS is me…THIS IS THE NEW ME!

(pause)

I feel sick. What? More like nausea, I feel nauseous…whew! hot flashes now…haha…I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m fine, I’m ffff—-oh God, I feel–I need to sit. I do, I do. I gotta sit down. (he sits) Wow, I’m breaking out into a sweat here. hahaha. Who knew being uncool could be so much fun? hahahahaha (his laughter slowly turns into crying) ah ah ah haaaaaaaaaaaa——-AAAAAAHHHH AAAAAHHHHH AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Oh God, why? Why do I have to be old? This is cruel! SOOOO SOOOO cruel!  I want to be young and fun and hip and bad and nasty with the ladies. Why no more? Why do I have to grow up? Why? Because society says that a middle aged man should—WHAT? Don’t look at me that way! I am middle aged…closer to middle aged.  Happy?

Oh! FINE!

(he stands up)

I’m alright! I’ll stop whining. I’ll be a man. I AM A MAN but you know what I mean. I’ll grow up. (he gags) Oh…I’ll do it….I’ll grow up. (he gags TWICE more)

Okay, okay. (puts his hands up) I’m here, I am ready. I am now.

I am cool to be uncool.  Amen.

(beat)

I need a drink!  Just joking, just joking…relax.

Related posts:

1. “So Lucky, So Cool” (serio-comedy) 1 Minute Photo Courtesy JAYEL AHERMAN   Monologue Description: “So Lucky, So...
2. “My Balls Got Stuck In A Toilet” (comedy) 2 Minutes Photo Courtesy PETE SIMON Monologue Description: “My Balls Got Stuck...
3. “Cock Blocker” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes Photo Courtesy RUBY SWOON Twitter Me This Batman @JosephArnone...
4. “CHEF POONAH” (comedy) 2 Minutes Joseph Arnone as Chef Poonah – FOLLOW ME ON...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.