“Snooze Fest 69″ (serio-comic) 3 Minutes

Photo Courtesy ZACH KLEIN

Monologue Description: “Snooze Fest 69″ is a serio-comedy about a guy who is sexually high strung. 

Character Description: In this monologue, Drake talks to his friend about how he is tired of having sex with his girlfriend of three years.   He goes on to talk about and explain his own developing theory of “open relationships” which he is considering discussing with his girlfriend, to see if she is interested in having one with him.

DRAKE:

Ah man!  I fall asleep with my dick in her.  There, I said it!  Snooze Fest 69.  It’s reached the point where I don’t even care about tapping that ass anymore.  You know?  All I keep thinking about is other women.  Every woman I walk past gets analyzed.  My eyes zero in like Google Maps and I’m like (imitating noise of zeroing in)  DUUU DUUUU DUUUU DUUUU DUUUU DUUUU DUUUU, ready to launch my missile!  Capturing every crevice of a woman in seconds.  It’s sickening.  I’m disgusting, I admit it.  Is there something wrong with me?  Is there?  As I get older, it gets worse.  I’m a man, I have needs but still…shouldn’t I start settling down?  Tanya’s starting to give me looks now for marriage.  We are past hints, we’ve reached the look stage.  I’m not sure I want to go that route man.  And her looks scare the shit out of me, by the way.  I might be choked into it.

(beat)

I’ve been with my girlfriend now for, I don’t know, three years.  Right?  And it’s always the same shit man.  She’s on top, I’m on top, from behind or from the side.  Yaaaaay!  Lately, I’ve been giving her the half a hump, bro.  I can’t even be bothered at times.  My hearts, well, my dick’s not in it.  It’s not that I don’t love her, cause I do, I love my girl, she’s a great girl.  It’s just that I like fresh ass.  You know?  Some new ass.  And it doesn’t even have to be that great, it’s just the fact that it’s new, different, that turns me on.  It’s like, say your favorite ice cream is chocolate, right?  If you eat chocolate every single day for three years straight, wouldn’t you get sick of it and want to try some vanilla?  Is it wrong for a man to go out once in awhile and tap some new ass?  I mean, I think that it actually is good for the relationship. It could actually help to keep the relationship you have get sexy.  Sort of like it revitalizes that shit.  

Now, I’m no Doctor fucking Phil over here and I don’t want to be okay but I got news for ya, I bet if more people had “open relationships”, cheating and what not wouldn’t ever take place. Like, if you see a delicious woman and you want in and this delicious woman is giving you entrance into her deliciousness and your woman allows you to dive on in, than HELL YEAH WAY TO GO!!!  (does a Borat “high five”)  HIGH FIVE!!!  I guarantee you, you will NEVER leave your woman. And vice versa, vice versa.  It’s gotta work both ways but I think most men wouldn’t go for it.  Not so sure women would go for it either but I think more women would than men.  Most men wouldn’t want there woman going out there banging other guys.  Every man likes to own their own softy, is what I’m saying here.  Am I right?  Right?  Every man wants there home ass.  But I think, if people were willing to allow one another to go out and fuck other people, things would kind of work out in a fucked up never seen before way.  Don’t you think?  Because I know for a fact, I’m not going to allow another dude to tap out my girl’s ass better than me if I knew about it.  I’d put her head through a fucking wall and make her orgasm fifty two times before I allowed some knucklehead to top me off.  I’d become Don Juan De Marco reincarnated bitch.  Not that I’m not a good lover now, it’s just….you get my point, right?  OKAY.  You kow what I’m saying. Therefore my theory is that it revitalizes the sex drive because as Sigmund Freud said we are made up of two things, SEX AND AMBITION my friend.  WHAMMO and BLAMMO!

(beat)

That’s why more and more people are getting divorced nowadays.  The same rules that applied fifty, forty, thirty years ago don’t necessarily apply today.  We try to make our selves think that it does but who the hell are we fooling other than ourselves?  Come on, there is so much bullshit out there.  It’s why diseases get spread.  There you go pal.  How about THAT for a head turner.  Eh?  Eh?  Having more sex decreases humanities problems bro.  It’s a given.

There wouldn’t be cheating.  There would be communication.  It would strengthen loyalty and trust.  Whatever.  

I am going to talk to my girl about this.  I want to know how she feels about it.  I want to know if she would be willing to do this.  It may not be for everybody but who knows, maybe it would work for her and me.  I gotta try it out man because I know that sooner or later I’m going to dive into some new deliciousness and that is going to guilt trip me and I will lose my home ass because I won’t be able to look at her or myself in the mirror for being such a sneaky bastard.  

I’ll let you know how all this works out after I talk to her.  Wish me luck.

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