“Stiff As A Board” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy KYKNOORD

Monologue Description:  ”STIFF AS A BOARD” is a comedy about unusual events, to say the least.

Character Description:In this monologue, Merv talks about discovering his next-door neighbor Antonio’s dead body.  This leads Merv to go on a talking marathon, which is what he usually does once you get him going. 

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MERV:

Agony.  Complete and utter, agony.  What else can I say?  

(beat)

I went to the house and there he was, STIFF as a board. He was staring at me when I walked in.  I mean, not necessarily staring at me but it looked like he was staring at me.  He was sitting upright and had this smirk.  

(imitates smirk)

I approached him and noticed that his pants were down to his knees and his wang was out.  I stood there wondering what the hell he was doing.  I thought suicide. I thought some sort of foul play. And that’s when my ears turned on.  To the right of me, where the t.v was, I heard moans and whispers….when I looked into the television, I was watching some broad giving a guy head who had like a sixteen inch cock.  Really, it was ridiculous.  This guy had a dick so big that as bad a situation I was in, I still had to ask God, why I was skipped over.  But anyways, that’s besides the point and I’m getting off topic here.  So OBVIOUSLY, he was about to, well, you could imagine what he was in the act of…his hand was still gripped tightly around it.  Poor bastard never shot his load… Hey, if that ever happened to me, I hope I could hold out the death, long enough to PIIIPTTT. (makes noise of ejaculating)  You know?  At least, let me blow my load and then I could croak.  Die happy.  I mean thats gotta suck.  That’s worse than dying in a fire, DRRowning or strangled to death…that’s worse than getting your head shot off or falling or blowing up. Nothing’s worser than self-implosion.  Cause that’s what he did.  He was probably on the verge of exploding but it was too much for ‘em.  So, what happened? Because his body went all spasmic, cause his heart POPPED…his momentum got short changed and reversed the explosion into an implosion, which made his death BY FAR, a fucking nightmare.   THAT my friend, is the worst way to go out!!!  

(beat)

It’s like being handed a million dollars and watching the wind blow it out from your hands.  And you have to stand there, holding out the money, like an asshole and there’s nothing you can do about it.  That’s what happened…he was left, holding out the money.  STUCK!  Like a mouse on a glue trap, struggling to accept its fate.  

(beat)

Right now you know Antonio is somewhere angry as hell and completely unsatisfied sexually. Imagine that shit?  Up in Heaven or maybe hell, knowing Antonio, he’s gotta be thinking, MY LIFE SUCKED, just because of that final moment on Earth.  But if he held on and went, he would’ve been, MY LIFE ROCKED!  He could have went out with a bang.

Anyway, whatever.

(lights a cigarette)

Whatever, anyway.

…He reminded me of my cat Whiskers.  Poor, poor Whiskers.  I found her stiff as a board as well.  Urine all over the carpet and her eyes were open, just like his.  Sad.  I remember poking Whiskers with my finger, because at the time, I was so young, I thought she was just chilling out.  But when I touched her, it was like poking cardboard.  That’s the only thing I could describe it as…CARDBOARD.

(pause)

I fixed him up.  I didn’t want the police to come in and find him all fucked up looking like that, dick in his hand and all dopey looking.  I pulled his pants up and straightened him out..put my hand over his eyes and made his eye-lids go down…I changed the porn channel to some stupid judge show…he was a good guy, that guy.  A crazy bastard but a good guy, nonetheless.

Yeah, I could tell stories, I could tell some stories…

(beat)

Agony.  Complete and utter, agony.  What else can I say?  

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