“Mustache Mary” (comedy) 3 Minutes

September 23, 2009 by The Monologue Blogger

Filed under 3 Minute Monologues, MB Library, Male Monologues - Comedy

Photo Courtesy ALEX CHOI

Monologue Description: “Mustache Mary” is a comedy about first dates going wrong.

Character Description: In this monologue, Sam goes on a first date and is confronted with a woman who has a thick mustache! Sam is a college student who met this girl a one of the local pubs. The night he met her he was smashed and doesn’t really recall much of what she looked like. He has relied on his friends to tell him, which all they have done is pump him up with lies, so he can go on a date with her.

SAM:

(Sam stands at the front door to his date’s house. She exits her home and Sam notices for the first time that she has a mustache, an extremely THICK mustache.)

Hi…wow…you look, you look beautiful, ummm. Wow, we uh, we never actually went out in the day, I mean, we never actually been out before. It’s great to see you in all this light, in the day, it’s finally great to go out with you is what I’m trying to say. Heh Hah!

(as they walk to his car)

Wow. Listen, will you excuse me for just a second, a moment. I really don’t want to be rude and I apologize if I am but can you give me a moment to make an important phone call? My mother just called me, something about my Grandfather, his medicine, she may need us to stop off at the drugstore to pick up his medicine. Not sure, she called me right before you came out and I told her I’d call her back.

Yeah, just sit in the car. Relax, give me one minute, okay? Cool. Let me find out if she needs me. Thanks…

(makes a phone call on his cellphone)

Bro, bro listen to me right now. This is an emergency, you got a second? Yeah, okay good, listen. Remember that chick I picked up over the weekend? Come on, Paul! Yeah, yeah, yeah, HER! I’m with her now–just picked her up and she’s in my car. Listen, listen, listen!!! There’s a problem, this is the first time I’m seeing her in the light man. She doesn’t look like the night I met her man. Paul, you gotta bail me out. You gotta call me in fifteen minutes and say that my father is having a heart attack or something. Something serious, don’t tell me, just make it up so I’m surprised!

(beat)

Why are you laughing? What?!

(beat)

Wait, wait, you knew about this??? You knew she was a Mustache Mary? Was I that drunk? WHAT?! I was trashed? You ALL knew. Why’d you guys let me talk to her? I don’t always get the girl! (growling) GRRRRRR! Bro, please, I can’t get excited right now because she is in my car and I am outside of my car talking to you. YOU guys are all dead when I see you. You all—bro, I died when she came to the door. Shhh, listen, first her mother came and SHE had a mustache but it still didn’t dawn on me and then the shock of my life! I thought this was a fucking joke man. No, really. Are you guys fucking with me? No really, is this a joke? What?! She really has a mustache? WHERE is she from? EUROPE? Where in Europe?! What?! No, I am gonna kill you all when I get back to the dorm!

(gets in car)

Hey, sorry about that. Everything is fine. Sorry, sorry. My Grandpa is fine. He gets a little heart burn every now and then and he thought he ran out of his pills. He’s fine. He’s fine. So ahhhh. (looks at her mustache dead on) WOW! You ready? Okay, great, great. This is ah, this is ahhh. So, where did you say you were from? Where?! Oh, I never heard of that country before? Ohhhh, yeah, yeah, yeah….wow. Okay, ummm.

(pause)

Okay, listen. This is hard for me to say..I can’t even believe it but I have to say this because it’s not right. It’s just not right. My friend Paul. Do you remember Paul, the short–er guy with the blue eyes and thick blond hair. Yeah? The one who kept clowning around with the darts. Right, the idiot, eeer, but he’s not truly an idiot, studying to be a Lawyer, well, okay yeah, he’s an idiot but well, I have a problem here…he’s like a brother to me and he spoke to me about you…about the fact that he is crazy about you. Look, I like you to, don’t get me wrong but Paul, my best friend Paul, who I’ve known since we were little boys, he won’t stop talking about you. Yeah. He found out that I was taking you out and he really looked hurt. I feel lousy. You know? I feel like the most rotten friend in the world to be taking you out and my guilt, I just don’t know if I can go through with it.

I know this sounds messed up but I want to ask you something. Umm, would you be interested in dating my friend instead? I mean, I know this is really messed up and all cause you’re with me and everything but I, like I said he’s like a brother to me and if you are interested in him, more than me, I rather he be the lucky guy to take you out, rather than me because I couldn’t look myself in the mirror if I took you out tonight.

(beat)

What I can do is drive you straight to Paul’s place and what? I’m sorry, what?

(beat)

Mustache? What mustache? Whose mustache?!

(beat)

YOUR mustache? You have a mustache? hahaha, where? What?!

(beat)

Okay look, look, look. Okay, Okay, YEAH, YEAH, I’m lying, I see your mustache, okay? Yeah, I see it. I see it as clear as fucking day. That thing is by far the thickest mustache I have ever seen. No offense, maybe that’s a compliment where you are from. Look, it’s really there, you know? I mean, my friend Paul loves that shit. He LOVES women that are, he is attracted to masculine women…

(beat)

No, it’s not because you’re from, sorry I have trouble pronoun–right, right…THERE. Umm, look, you have a mustache, I don’t do mustaches, I mean…well, can you go back inside the house and shave it off??? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know, I’m a dick. It’s a religious thing, sorry, sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to insult you. Okay, okay. Ummm, it’s a problem for me but my friend Paul loves a girl with a strong presence and he would love it, YOU…he, I think he loves you cause you’re all he keeps talking about for the last few days and…I know I sound like I’m exaggerating a bit but he won’t shut up about you. Look, I’m a dick. I am. I am a big dick but Paul is a sweet and sensitive guy and he wants you and he will treat you better than I ever could, which is why I am telling you the truth. Let me bring you to Paul’s place and you guys can take it from there. He will be soooooooo happy to see you. Okay? He will be beside himself, I can promise you that?

What do you say Mustache Mary, will you give Paul a chance?

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“Arouse Me” (serio-comedy) 2 Minutes

September 17, 2009 by The Monologue Blogger

Filed under 2 Minute Monologues, Female Monologues - Serio/Comic, MB Library, Teen Monologue Series

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Photo Courtesy MATHEUS SANCHEZ

Monologue Description: “Arouse Me” is a serio-comedy about finding a common ground as a couple.

Character Description: In this monologue, Bella is a nineteen year old college student who is dating an older business man.

BELLA:

That’s not what I want. We meet up late at night, at the end of our days…I’m tired, you’re tired and we are both not in the mood to do anything but be cranky at best. That’s not good. There’s nothing exciting about that. I know you travel alot but it’s not enough for me. Not seeing you for two, three weeks at a time is not right. I know, I know you told me all about this before we hooked up but still, saying it and partaking in it are two totally different things, Jed. I didn’t think it would be so strange. Everytime you come back from one of your business trips, I find myself having to warm up to you for the first couple of days.

(beat)

Maybe I’m not cut out for this kind of relationship.

(beat)

I want to be close to you. I want us to have days when we can go do whatever—like hitting up a movie, dinner, a walk in the park or a blockbuster night, I don’t care.

(beat)

I WANT ROMANCE! Everything is so business with you. You’re always on the phone, always bumping into people you know, who you happen to do business with…

I’m confused. I love the fact that you are older than me cause God knows I deal with guys my age and they are a bunch of immature assholes but I’m beginning to think that maybe you are too old for me. Not necessarily too old age wise but just too old adult wise.

I want someone who I can play with and go out and be stupid with and not always feel like I have to wear a dress and act all lady like. For once I’d like to burp in front of you or look like plain Jane. For once I’d like to put my hair up, not wear make up and throw on sneakers and a t-shirt with jeans and call it a day.

(beat)

You know, I just got into college, I–maybe I should—I don’t know what I’m saying. (she sighs) Can’t you NOT take life so seriously all the time? You know?! Just–I’ve never even seen you lose your cool or get drunk or, I mean—say a bad word, like fuck or shit or prick or even dickhead I’d accept. Everything about you is so dignified, like you’re some Prince of Dignity or something. Loosen up man, stop being such a tightwad and chill.

(beat)

Look, you need to really just smoke a joint and hang. Okay, I’m not saying get into smoking pot and all that, I’m just saying pull the stick out of your ass and lighten up a bit.

(beat)

Jed, I respect you so much. Enormously. It’s why I’m so attracted to you because you are such a man’s man but you need to lay back and get more down to Earth because that’s what will arouse me. I need you to watch a cartoon. I mean, what’s the last cartoon you remember watching in your life…The Flinstones? It’s a cool cartoon but dude, you’re missing out! I know you’ve heard of The Simpson’s, who hasn’t but have you even tried watching them or what about Family Guy? I mean, COME ON! These are shows you have to get down with because they are funny and they don’t let you take life so freaking seriously all the time. Get with the times and meet me halfway. It will not only be good for us but it will be REALLY good for you.