“My Balls Got Stuck In A Toilet” (comedy) 2 Minutes

Photo Courtesy PETE SIMON

Monologue Description: “My Balls Got Stuck In A Toilet” is a comedy about a dream.

Character Description:  In this monologue, G talks to his friend about the most fucked up dream he ever had.

G:

It was, it was.  Most fucked up dream I ever had.  I was just sitting on the bowl, taking a dump and I–it felt so real!  Everything did!  It was cold in the bathroom and I remember I was slightly shaking and trying to hurry up because I wanted to go back to sleep.  

(beat)

I was in the middle of wiping my ass and when I looked down, you know…I caught a glimpse of my balls and I noticed they were quivering.  Well, not quivering but they were EXPANDING.  That’s it!  EXPANDING!  The more I stared at my balls, the more they expanded right before my eyes.  I swear!  And I kept staring in disbelief because I just couldn’t take my eyes off of what what happening.

Before I could get up…the next thing I know is…my ball sack, well, when I tried to stand up from fear, my balls were stuck—STUCK RIGHT INSIDE THE BOWL.  I couldn’t get them out.  My balls literally took up the entire circumference of the toilet bowl rim.  It was fuckin’, fuckin’ nuts man.  No pun intended!

So now I’m standing up but my balls are stuck in the bowl and the pressure, oh man,THE PRESSURE because my nuts kept expanding and now I couldn’t get them out.  

The feeling of trying to get my balls out of the bowl was sick.  I didn’t feel no pain but by this point I was freaking out.  All of the water was leaking out of the top rim of the bowl and I felt it man.  I felt the water, this cool water running down the sides of my balls.  I know, I know, I know, this is crazy but this is true…this shit was so real!

And I’m tugging at my balls, literally grabbing hold of them like a tug of war rope competition and I’m yanking and stretching and struggling..PULLING, PULLING, PULLING until finally (makes a pop noise with his mouth)  Like that!  (make pop noise with his mouth again) I went flying into the bathroom door and ended up on my ass with these giant balls hanging over my thigh.  I they kept growing!  They just wouldn’t stop!

I got back up and ran out of the bathroom screaming for help.  I was screaming, “My balls!  Somebody help my balls!  My balls!”  And I’m carrying them like a keg between my legs, running around aimlessly and then I woke up.

Just like that.  The last thing I looked at was a bird in a tree and I woke up.

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